A Mother's Life

Life's Final Lesson

2004-10-18T03:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Family/Friends,

My heart is heavy, and I have much to say, but very little strength to say it. Sadly, this will most probably be my last post. Treatment has ceased, and my time here is very short. It is important for me that you know I love you. You are all so important in my life, and in the overall scheme of life. Each of us has a purpose, each of you, have a purpose. You have brought so much joy into my life. I have been blessed, I am blessed.

Thank you for all the support and prayers you have showered us with. They are very much appreciated. I humbly ask that you continue them, as this journey, not only for myself, but more important to me, my family, is very difficult. I have been blessed with my loving family as primary caregivers, until just recently. Hospice has been called in. This transition is not easy, but we are all doing the best we can. One would think and hope that Hospice would relieve my families load, there is little if no relief. I am reminded of when our Sara was dying, I am saddened that my family must endure this, yet again.

In the 59 years I have lived, I have been blessed, I have experienced so much. I can tell you that I know what it feels like to be married to and share my life with a wonderful man, for 42 years. To be committed to a man that always encouraged me to be true to myself, and my needs. Ben completes me. Our love, his love for me is such a gift. I know how it feels to be a preachers kid, and as a child, have dinner with needy strangers, that my parents so graciously invited into our home. My parents were wonderful, kind, caring people. I know how it feels to have a sister that I could mother (even though I am sure she did not always like that) and share my life with, that I can and could always count on for my needs. I am blessed. I know what it is like to be called ' Mom ' and watch our daughters grow and develop into the beautiful, women that they are and were (both inside and out). I know what its like to watch your daughter with her daughter, and be so proud that there are no words that could describe this. My girls, all of them, have been such a gift, such a beautiful gift. I also know what its like to lose a child, both suddenly, and our youngest, whom battled the same beast as I, to watch her suffer in pain, and pray that her pain end, and later carry the heavy burden of guilt of this. I know what it is like to have family and friends whom we could count on in both good times and bad. They rejoiced in our good times, and prayed and always willing to lend a hand in bad. I know how, and what it feels like to laugh, to cry, and to just be. I love my life, and all it has entailed. I am grateful for all of you in my life, for all of my experiences, and life lessons. Thank you, all. Thank you, God.

I have learned that life is not just about joy, but also sorrow. It is our sorrows that pave way for greater joy and appreciation for life. It is our sorrows that remind us of our own mortality. What defines our life is not how much gold we have, but how much love we have known, have experienced, have embraced, not only with your family and friends, but more importantly, yourself and God. Without self love, you risk the chance of allowing true love into your life, and without God, well, we have nothing. I wish for you all, love. I wish for you all, a kind, loving relationship with God, yourself, and your loved ones. I wish you good health, peace, and whatever your heart craves.

The Lord's Prayer

I urge you to follow your heart, in all your affairs. Our heart is a trustworthy barometer to righteousness. True righteousness varies for all of us, for each one of us are unique, each of us has value, each of us has a purpose or purposes, some unknown to us. Every experience, challenge, every joy we have is precious. Our strengths, our weaknesses, are not a mistake. I urge you to find your purpose, to learn about yourself, and your loved ones. If you follow your heart, you will know what is right for you, and what is wrong. It will serve as a test, at times. What is right is not always easiest, but I have learned that following your heart is key to living a full life.

Life's Lessons

I have not included a song on this post. I would like to ask that you listen to your favorite song, that you take time today, tonight, just for you, with no phones ringing, no distractions or worries occupying your minds. Free yourself of all worries and concerns, and listen to YOUR favorite song, artist. Embrace these few moments, let the music, the words travel thru your ears into your hearts. If music is not your choice, read a passage out of your favorite book. Do something special for yourself tonight. Try to incorporate not only tonight, but every day, time for yourself, and for your loved ones. Because all of the plans, all of the commitments and ' stuff ' that fills our lives, is only as good as the gratitude that we feel around it. Life has a way of happening, while we are busy making plans. The end of your life comes so quickly. The certainty of life is that everything will pass. This, too, shall pass.

Thank you, for taking these precious moments out of your life to read my post. Thank you for being in my life, for laughing with me in good times, and crying with me in sad. Thank you, for being you.

God Bless you All,

Shar

Details

2004-10-14T02:17:00.000-07:00

Mom,
If you don't like the changes, please let me know. I couldn't find exactly what you meant by "chat box." Could tagboard be what you meant? I know the dark background isn't something you like, but this is what I could find that would make the photos right. I will work on making it a different color when I get back. If you post before that, just make sure to put it bold white like I have done.

Readers, notice that there are a few small changes. If you notice any links missing, please just e-mail me @ this address. { asps@berlin.com }. Comments are not working right now, this will be corrected soon. (Comments are now working as of 4:00) Also, if the person who has the "chat box" that Mom is talking about (is reading this), please leave a message telling me what you have used.

Thanks.

Be Aware. I know I am.

2004-10-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a pleading post. Be warned.

As you all know, it is October 1st (err, now the 2nd). This officially kicks of the annual Breast Cancer Awareness month. Most of you are familiar with it due to the pink ribbons, charity events, and numerous reminders for each woman to remember to schedule a mammogram among other items. I believe that all cancers should have an awareness month, each should have equal attention so that we can conquer this disease. However, there are only 12 months in a year, but there are more than 500 types of cancer. It leaves little time to acknowledge all. I know that each of us has been affected in one form or the other by some type of cancer. Some of us have family members who lost against the war on cancer, some of us have friends who have been touched, some of us are fighting our own battles with various types of cancer.

If we are ever going to find a cure for this, we need all of the "awareness" we can get. Not only to breast cancer(s), but also for ovarian, brain, lung, bone, kidney, and a host of other cancers. These too need awareness, prevention, and early care. Today, as you read my post, I ask that you also remember the many types of cancer which take lives each day. All of them need awareness just as much as breast cancer does. These cancers take loved ones away, rip familes apart, destroy marriages, break hearts and shatter dreams. I plead of you, please be aware of them, I know I am.

Facts:

Every 13 minutes a woman dies of breast cancer.

Breast cancer is the second
cause of death for of women between the ages 35 and 54.

Every three minutes, a new case of breast cancer is diagnosed.

Breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer death for women between the ages of 40 and 59.

75% of all breast growths, whether malignant or benign, are discovered during self-breast examination.

The smallest detectable lump is about 2-3 mm and could contain approximately one billion cancer cells.

In 2004~ An estimated 215,990 new cases of invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed in the United States and an estimated 40,110 women will die.

Scary facts, I know. The truth is this is the disease that will take me away from everything I love. This is the disease that will rip my family even farther apart. This is the disease that will destroy my marriage. This is the disease that will make me just another statistic very soon.

What’s my purpose in telling you all of these facts that you will hear repetitively for the next month? To save just one of you. I am begging you . . . do self exams, stay up-to-date on your mammograms, have a yearly physical . . . do whatever it takes to prevent statistics from rising in 2005.

This is the month that you are supposed to remind your friends to schedule a mammogram . . . however, I know that not everyone can find the money to do this for various reasons. I am offering you something here . . . if you can’t afford to have a mammogram done (there is a host of reasons, I know. Just to name a few . . . lack of insurance, money for co-pay, follow up visits, etc.) . . . I am offering to pay for your mammogram this year. No cost to you. I will cover all expenses, if you will just have this done. Why am I offering this? If it saves just one of you from going thru the hell I am going thru right now? It would be entirely worth it to me. (To take me up on the offer, send an e-mail here, and we will work out the details.)

One last closing thought . . . pass this reminder to your friends and family. Remind them each month, do a buddy check, do whatever you have to do to stop this disease (as well as every other terminal cancer) from taking another mother away from her family and friends.

Fatal Attractions and Liars (aka Post 3 of3)

2004-09-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

Post 3 of 3. (The other 2 will come on Monday and Tuesday evening.)

This is not an easy post for me to write. It most likely won’t be an easy post for anyone to read, but it needs to be said anyway. Many heartbreaks have occurred in the past few weeks . . . tonight I will share some of them with you. Perhaps it will make previous posts easier to understand and perhaps it won’t. Maybe it will make it easier for me to do what I have to do or maybe it won’t. Whatever it is . . . it needs to be heard. Once it is heard, we will never speak of the subject matter again. Here goes nothing and everything all wrapped up in one.

Recently, some of my posts have been elusive but yet direct. Several of you have e-mailed or asked me "does this apply to me?" or "who is this for?" or "whomever this is for sounds deserving of your anger." Tonight, we are going to clarify a few things. By the end of this post, you will know the who, the what, and the when. The why? I still haven’t figured out. However, I think many people are mistaken and some are actually being told some wrong facts about the whole issue. I will do my best to help you sort out what I know.

Normally, I speak on a condition of anonymity about my friends and family, meaning if I don’t have their permission to use their names or tell something, I don’t do it. Point blank. I believe that if you trust me enough to speak with about your thoughts, you are deserving of my respect to keep them private. That has, for the most part, carried over to my blog area as well. I have respected the rights of my friends and family and have never said anything without direct permission. Tonight, going against all I have ever believed to be right, I will be divulging information that needs to be said.

Pam* is a person I met over a year ago. I met her online in a grief chat room. She came into my life at a time that I was needing someone to understand me, after Sara’s death. She came into my life at the same time as a few other people, people I have grown to love and cherish. She helped me tremendously during some very difficult weeks. She, along with that select group of people, nurtured me, held my hand as I fell down time and time again, and stood by me as I began my own battle with the beast. Her strength helped me to hold on when all I wanted to do was fall, her patience gave me faith, her peace after her own loss gave me hope.

I am sure you are wondering what could have happened so bad to a relationship with a person who sounds so amazing. What happened is this . . . she came into my life when I was very vulnerable. I needed someone to lean on, someone to tell me it would be ok, someone to show me how to face the loss of something so precious. I found that all in Pam. She quickly became a close friend, a wonderful confidant, someone I loved very much. Each day, our friendship got stronger and my admiration, respect, and love for her grew more. As I got sicker and more treatments began to fail, it was Pam who shared with me her own battle with the beast. She could attest to each of my feelings, understood me in that avenue as well, and supported me as we searched for a treatment to sustain me.

Pam and I spoke with many of the same people. We chatted in the same room for several months, then moved onto an Instant Messenger. As it is with many online relationships, some of our cyber friends drifted off for one reason or the other. Some messaged me to give me some warning: "Watch yourself with Pam. Don’t let her hurt you. She’s going to hurt you." Over time, I noticed that Pam began to tell me things about some of our friends. She was so convincing that I believed they were going to hurt me, that my life would be better off without them. Slowly, I began to wean myself from the people who had helped me so much in previous months, our mutual friends. Over the course of a few months, there was a large distance in many of my relationships. In most cases, I no longer spoke with our mutual friends and didn’t communicate with them for any reason. I knew that to some degree Pam still did speak with a few of them, but she always told me it was because of her position as a Host in the grief chat room because most of those people still went into the room and she had to be cordial to them.

What I didn’t see at the time was that Pam was slowly guiding me away from many of the people I loved so much. She single-handedly convinced me that she was one of my only true friends, that she was looking out for my best interest and that she loved me. Somewhere during the midst of this, I began to realize that there were MANY things Pam had shared with me that didn’t add up. Not only about her own battle about the beast, but about her losses, her friendships, her education, her financial status, her family . . . well, pretty much everything. I began to investigate some concerns and the results were shocking to me.

Nearly everything she had ever told me was a bold-faced lie. When I look back on the day that I let my concerns be known to her, I can’t remember what the breaking straw was that led me to that point. Perhaps it was when I realized that each time something happened to me, within 48 hours, the exact same thing happened to her. Perhaps it was when I realized that she had lied to me about her recent graduation and PhD. Perhaps it was when she told me that I could no longer speak with our friend Donna, if I wanted to save my relationship with Pam.

Now for those of you that know anything at me, for that matter if you have only spoken to me once or briefly read this blog, you know that my love for Donna runs very deep. She is someone who I consider to be my best friend, an adopted daughter, a sister, an advisor, a teacher, and she fills many more roles in my life. Although I only met her a bit over a year ago, I feel as if I have known her my whole lifetime. I know she feels the same way. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, just as I would for my own girls . . . so when my relationship with her is put into jeopardy, I react strongly.

React, I did. I had all I could handle. I needed answers if I was ever going to be able to trust Pam again. The more I began to go over the events that had happened in the prior months, the more things stood out to me. I began to see how she pulled me away from the people who cared about me, how she fed me lie after lie after lie, how she played me for a fool. I demanded answers from her. Each question I had for her, she came back with an excuse. Soon the conversation took a nasty turn, one where she told me how selfish I was for pushing everyone away, how I could never be satisfied, and then she began to bring names into the conversation. Marla, Kelly, Vanessa . . . the list goes on. All people that she encouraged me to distance myself from and looking back on it now . . . all the same people, who told me to watch out for her vindictive ways.

I did not heed their words . . . my heart and head were in conflict at the time, I couldn’t hear my heart. How could this person whom I had trusted and who had helped me with my grief, hurt me so? Since that day, everything has come into the light. Her true colors were shining thru, and left me black and blue. My heart was crushed but relieved that it was over, I no longer needed to listen to her lies.

While I realize a blog is open to the public, this web site, built for me by my Shelly, has served to bring me much peace, and the ability to share with you (those I love most in the world) my thoughts and most INTIMATE thoughts as well as updates on Ben and our family. Recently, I began to get some odd e-mail(s) and even more odd comments left on here. It took me a bit to figure out what was going on.

Unbeknownst to me, Pam has been passing this site onto others (in particular the people she encouraged to me to separate from), which has brought forward feelings of having your diary read as a teenager . . . it’s an invasion of my privacy. Those people feel hurt that I didn’t continue a relationship with them, some of them even have expressed to me that they believed I had passed on, they want to know why I carried on a relationship with Pam and not them. Petty? Yes. Understandable, certainly given how Pam turned out to really be.

All of this has triggered many feelings that I had previously put to rest, all requiring more energy than I have physically or emotionally have to give and quite honestly, more than I feel that I should have to deal with at this stage of my life. Blog messages from her continue, and I feel tormented, just tormented, by her actions. Due to her reckless abandon in passing around my site address, I now have to deal with people who want answers and rightfully deserve them.

I am praying this helps to answer some of their answers. Innocent, sweet people like Marla, have questioned themselves as well as my love for them, because of my last post. I realize now I should have named the villain . . . (Marla, if you are reading this? I do love you, thank you for your prayers, and thank you for understanding that I want to spend this part of my life with my family... you will always be in my prayers.) The others. . . they will never know how truly sorry I am to have made this horrible mistake in judgement of someone’s character. I am saying all of this to say this:

Pam, I suggest you pay attention here . . .

Since it is very clear you have sort of vendetta for me, I am going to make this very simple for you. Boil the damned rabbit, will you? Fatal attraction at this time in my life isn’t helpful, so please step back and stop leaving messages like the one you left a few nights ago. I am not bitter, but I am pissed. Big difference. You want to continue to come to this site, time and time again? Fine. You are free to visit whatever site you wish. However, if I find out you gave one more person this site, I will be forced to go to a higher step of making sure you don’t torment me any longer. One more e-mail, one more blog comment that somehow is linked back to you? Every lie you ever told me will be posted here for the entire world to see. This is not a vindictive threat. This is a promise.

I've learned much through this experience. My time, your time, it is just too short for this. I've learned that the journey of grief will take you places that you never wanted to go, and darker corners than you could possibly find your way out of, so any hand in the dark is welcomed. I’ve learned that I should never ignore the cries of my heart. It is always correct. I’ve learned that I don’t know everything. I’ve learned that people are not always what they appear to be and sometimes it takes you a very long time to find this out. I’ve learned that even when you are so angry your blood boils, the tears of sorrow still roll for a relationship that once was. I have not the time to spare to indulge in examining my mistake in character judgement. I have forgiven myself for this and I pray you can find it in your heart to forgive me as well.

*Pam:Name has NOT been changed to protect the innocent as she is as guilty as guilty can be.

Words From A Bully

2004-09-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

Good evening.

Tonight’s post is once again different from most. This will be a post answering most of the questions you all have e-mailed me. It also touches on some other issues. Tonight I need to talk about the stirring in my soul. I need to just vent. I need for some of you to hear me. I also need you to know that I having some help in typing this and in composing this, because in all truth, I can’t right now. I can’t put my fingers to the keyboard and make those thoughts. I can’t sit up long enough to type it and I most certainly can’t do it without sobbing. I must make this clear before I begin . . . if this applies to you? Take it to heart. Learn from it. Accept my reasons and know that I am doing what I need to do. If it doesn’t apply to you? Understand that I am trying my best to make my needs known without singling anyone out. Here goes . . .

It has recently come to my attention that several people are reading this site each and every day. I would like to tell you that I am honored that you return over and over again to read my words, send your well wishes, and follow my journey. Thank you. It also has come to my attention that some of you have come to this site via word of mouth. Please don’t get my wrong. I am happy to have you as a reader if you are a friend of our family.

With that said, I must stress this to you. If you were personally given this site by myself, a member of my family, or with my permission, you should not take offense to anything you read here. If you weren’t given this site willingly . . . there is probably a reason. You may not like what you read here. You may have questions. You may not understand. That may be why you were not given the site in the beginning.

It could also be that what is contained here doesn’t really apply to my relationship to you. It could be that we have grown apart. It could be that I was tired of you not understanding. It could be that I was tired of having to explain my choices to you over and over again. It may be that I plain can’t trust you anymore, that I grew sick of your games, grew sick of your whining about your lovely little life, when in fact you are so blessed you can’t even see it. It could be that maybe I wanted to die surrounded by people who I knew loved me, for me. Perhaps it could have been because this is truly the most intimate time of my life and I want to share with those I love, those who love me, those I can trust. You may not be one of these people.

Perhaps at one time . . . you were one of these people. Perhaps my heart is so overwhelmed for love you that I can forgive you for your horrible actions toward me. Perhaps at one time, you helped me to see life for what it was. I can never thank you enough for helping me and nurturing me, if this was the case. Somewhere along the lines all of that changed. Perhaps it was when I realized you were using me. Perhaps it was when I realized everything you ever told in our entire relationship was a lie, a false truth. Perhaps it was when I found out you took advantage of my generosity, played me for a fool, and told lies behind my back. Perhaps it was when I figured out you were only playing mind games and I just didn’t have the energy for that anymore.

Harsh? Yes. Needed? Certainly.

Do I still love you? Yes. Can we continue a relationship? No, it is far too late for that. Do I forgive you? I accept that you made choices that you felt were for the best, but I can’t find it within myself to forgive you, not yet. Someday, maybe I can. Right now, my heart hurts too much to forgive you. Does this make me any less of a person? Probably, but that is for God and me to work out. Are you welcome in my life any longer? No. I can’t trust you which means I can’t let you in my life again. You had one chance, but you knew that going in. You ruined it. Do I hate you? No, I just don’t like what you have done to our relationship, to yourself, or to my heart. You have ruined me for others. Because of you-my heart is slightly hardened, more cautious, less trusting.

Someone close to me told me this a few days ago (thank you, bully): "they say . . . I love you, I love you . . . they don’t even know what the fuck love is. Love is NOT pushing yourself down someone else’s throat or into their life, or the most intimate part of their life . . . love is NOT manipulating, unkind." I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Bully pinpointed love on the map for me. So many tell me that they love me, but how many truly love me? Do you love me enough to respect my choices without questioning? Do you love me enough to simply let me die peacefully? Do you love me enough not to make this any harder? I said my goodbye’s to you, can’t you love me enough to say it back?

I know some of you are going to take offense to this . . . and I think that says a lot about whom it is directed to. If this offends you? It may have been meant for you. Those that are in my daily life, both family and friends, those that I trust to speak to every day, those people will understand this.

I have faith in this.

I have so much more to say, but feel that those things will be better said in a separate post. Look for it later this evening.

Love to each. Peace to all. Goodnight.

Editor's Note (1:45pm 9/21/04): A note for uninvited visitors & their source(s)- Perhaps when it is your time to die, to say goodbye to those you love, have loved, and all that you know to be true (and not true), you will understand the need for detachment. Perhaps you will come to realize that actions, that are meant to ease your own guilt, or help YOU to feel better about what you are feeling, are best unsaid, and that in fact, one day, self centeredness will become understood, and replaced with kindness, and prayer. As hurt and betrayed as I feel right now, I still wish for you more compassion and respect than you've shown me at the end of my life. Perhaps someone will show you a kind, selfless act which will bring to light what I expected, and now am asking of you. May God bless you as you journey on the path searching for whatever it is that you are searching for. . .I pray you find it soon.

It's coming...I promise.

2004-09-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

A post is coming. It's in the works, I promise. For now, enjoy some snapshots, on me. Will post within the next 48 hours...stay tuned.

Have a beautiful day.

Goodnight,

Shar

2004-09-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

The Precious Moment's Chapel is a few miles from us. This is just one of many beautiful fountains along that path.
Posted by Shar

2004-09-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

This is NOT mustard art. Just needing to make that very clear.
Posted by Shar

2004-09-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

For Jim. SpongeBob Squarepants candy! Long live the dig "n" dips.
Posted by Shar

2004-09-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

Donna, this is for you. Picture of Orange his first days in our house. Look at those eyes...he knew he had my heart.
Posted by Shar

2004-09-19T22:04:00.001-07:00

Another view of the falls.
Posted by Shar

2004-09-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite places to go...Grand Falls, Missouri. Just stunning and a great place to sit and think. Truly brings you to a new sense of peace.
Posted by Shar

9/11 Images and Thoughts

2004-09-11T11:20:00.000-07:00

Today’s post will be different from most. Perhaps it will touch you, perhaps it will anger you, perhaps it will make you fall to your knees and praise the Heavens for your blessings. I don’t know. I can only tell you that I am writing what is on my heart and will continue to do so for as long as I am able. I will do another post this weekend. For now . . . take care.

Three years ago, our lives changed in a manner we never dreamed of. Three years ago, our nation was attacked, our citizens killed, our future was uncertain. We all have those moments from 9/11 that we remember . . . where we were, who we were with, what we were doing when we first heard the news, and what happened to us in those first moments. September 11th, 2001 will go down in history just as the assignation of President Kennedy, the start of the Gulf War, and Dr. M.L. King’s assignations did, moments and days that are forever branded within our souls. Those of us that are able - will look back on that day in 20, 40, 60 years and tell our children/grandchildren about it, how much our hearts hurt, how frightened we were.

We all have those images of 9/11 that we can’t forget. For some, it is the image of NYFD firefighters standing upon the rubble of the Twin Towers. For some, it may be the image of the crash site in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Perhaps it is a vocal image that you remember . . . maybe hearing the operator who relayed Todd Beamer’s heroic words "Let’s Roll."

Words that the nation remembers from 9/11:
"...apparent terrorist attacks"
"...a national tragedy . . . "
"...coordinated acts of terrorism . . . "
"Terrorism against our nation will not stand . . . "
"I'm afraid we can only imagine the terror and the carnage."
"May God bless the victims, their families and America . . . May God bless the victims."

Words my family remembers from that day:
"I believe Karen was on Flight 77. I don’t know what to do next."

Three years ago, unbeknownst to us, our daughter Karen took an earlier flight in order to file a motion and surprise her father for his birthday on the 13th. The last I heard from her was on the 10th when she told me she would be in Boston on the 13th to surprise Ben. At the last moment, she decided to take an earlier flight, file a motion, and arrive at our house one day earlier than expected, therefore surprising us both. Her story ends there. I had no idea she was on that flight, nor did I have any reason to worry about it because she wasn’t due on a flight for two more days.

So many things left unsaid, so many questions left unanswered. Did she know she was about to die? Did she make peace with God before it happened? What were her last thoughts? Did she know we loved her? Did she know we were proud of her? What was the purpose to her death? Will we ever have that answer?

Today our nation mourns the loss that occurred on 9/11 among the three crash sites. Our nation prays together, strangers weep together, and in general we pull together to support each other today. For our family, today is no different from the previous 1095 days. Our hearts grieve for the loss that occurred, our loss, your loss, they are all heartbreaking. Today . . . my prayers are with you, our extended family, as we remember what we will never forget.

2004-09-11T09:28:00.001-07:00

Never knowing our lives would be changed, we prayed for those involved.
Posted by Shar

2004-09-11T09:28:00.000-07:00

Our first images of 9/11 (Pentagon).
Posted by Shar

2004-09-11T09:27:00.001-07:00

The image we still have nightmares over.
Posted by Shar

2004-09-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

The vision that is branded into our hearts.
Posted by Shar

2004-09-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

Remembering our reason to press on.
Posted by Shar

2004-09-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

In times of terror, united we stand.
Posted by Shar

rounds

2004-09-07T23:36:00.000-07:00

Good evening friends.

This post is going to be short, very short. I hope you are all having a great week and enjoying the fall like weather.

Tomorrow ends Round #3. This means two, actually three things.

First, tomorrow (Wednesday) is Taxol day which means a trip to the clinic.

Second, in hushed tones we are rejoicing for making it the end of Round Three. I say hushed because as many of you know, this is the round most of the protocol dies during or shortly after. I am blessed to have (almost) made it the end of this round.

Third, there will be no scans done before we begin Round Four (IF we begin). I have made the choice to wait until after the round (again IF) and see what takes place. Certainly if there is a reason to do scans before then, we will.

Everyone here is...as good as they can be. They are each dealing with this in the manner best suited for their personalities. It is a trying time for everyone, not just myself.

I do not make this request often...but I am asking you to just pray. Pray for peace, strength, courage, and faith. Pray for my family, for my friends, for myself. Pray for wisdom and guidance. If you don’t pray, think good karmic thoughts, please. I am begging. I am on my knees here, needing some help, and not really knowing what else do to. I can’t do this alone and frankly, it just feels like I am. I am tired, scared, and weak. In short, please just pray.

I am leaving you tonight with one song and a portion of another. I will write again soon.
Peace to all. Love to each. Goodnight.

"Closer to You"
Closer to me I'm tired and I'm weak
And every breath within me is longing just to be
Closer to You
So I face the road ahead
Cause I know there's no comparing
To what's waiting at the end

So let the rain start falling where it will
And I will run through this valley
Just to climb to that hill
And if they ask why I'm smiling
After all I've been through
It's cause I'm just a day closer to You

Closer to me I hear You whisper on the wind
You say although my life is ending
A new one will begin
Closer to You
And I know I'm not alone
Cause I can hear You in the distance
Saying, you are nearly home

So let the rain start falling where it will
And I will run through this valley
Just to climb to that hill
And if they ask why I'm dancing
Though my days may be few
It's cause I'm just a day closer to You

Closer to me You're in the laughter and the tears
Of the ones I leave behind me
Who have prayed me through the years
Closer to You
And I know it won't be long
Till You're running down the pathway
Just to take me in Your arms

So let the rain start falling where it will
And I will run through this valley
Just to climb to that hill
And if they ask why I'm singing
Though my life's almost through
It's cause I'm just a day closer
I'm just a day closer
I'm just a day closer to You
-Mark Schultz
Letting Go
"Letting go
Letting go
The hardest part is knowing
That I'll miss you so
I'd like to wish you well
Oh but it hurts you know
Sometimes doing what is right
Means letting go
Yeah

As we walk away
Leaving it all behind
I hope we will be satisfied
With what we'll find
And if it's not all you want
I hope it's good enough
To make it worth
The precious things
We're giving up

Letting go
Letting go
The hardest part is knowing
That I'll miss you so
I'd like to wish you well
Hey but it hurts you know
Sometimes doing what is right
Means letting go

Sometimes late at night
I can't believe the things I hear
An angel comes to me
And whispers in my ears
Saying there's a time to read
And a time of the soul
A time for holding on
And a time
Just for

Letting go
Letting go
The hardest part is knowing
That I'll miss you so..."
-Joe Cocker

Conversations of the heart

2004-08-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon friends.

I pray each of you are having a wonderful day, have had a beautiful weekend, and are feeling warmth and love surrounding you as we begin the first week of September.

Today’s blog will be short and quite different from others. It will include a few happenings, some odd news, lyrics, and quotes and then something very different. During a conversation yesterday in a Yahoo IM, Booboo asked me what I was thinking/doing. When all was said and done, she said to me "You just wrote your blog." I am including it, just so you all know what is going on in my mind. Forgive the grammatical errors. I tend not to be correct when in conversation with her.

Today, in just a few minutes in fact, I will be getting chemo (Gemzar) here at the house. This is a new change, one that may help. Going to the clinic each day is becoming too much. We will see how this goes. Everyone here is ok, I think. We are all tired and worn down, but again, not having to leave each day, may be a blessing.

CONVERSATION

"I think they all think I’m still sleeping. I was just laying here, randomly writing, going between resting and just enjoying the quiet. What have I been thinking about?
-That I need to sleep less.
-That I need to write more.
-That I need to more of a friend to you, for you.
-That I need to forgive Pam, but yet, not resume the relationship, just forgive her in my heart.
-That I need to make sure that my family, you included, know that I love them each dearly.
-That I need to have someone polish my toes, which they look pathetic.
-That my arm hurts.
-That I need to catch up on my e-mailing.
-That I need to call Bonn and tell her I love her.
-That I need to finish reading Sara's last journal so shelly can have it.
-That I need to have Kay pack up my journals for you.
-That orange needs to be brushed.
-That I need to find my favorite pictures so I can send them to you.
-That I have some other goodies to put in the next box Ben sends you.
-That it hurts to breathe today.
-That the sun looks warming, but the temp says it is only 76 today
-That perhaps I should give more thought to hospice.
-That I need to write pat a thank you note.
-That I need to call Helen.
-That I need to have them both down sometime this week for tea.
-That I need to watch a movie . . . just to keep my mind somewhere else.
-That I love you.
-That Zin is fat.
-That lucky is lonely.
-That ben looks sad.
-That my e-mail box needs to be cleaned.
-That I need other jammies on today.
-That my blanket, gomery, and my pillow all smell like cat.
-That I hate buttered popcorn jellybeans.
-That I hate my glasses.
-That I am finally beginning to like water after all these years.
-That I need to make a special effort to e-mail Tessa, especially after the comment she left on my blog page.
-That I need to remind Ben to pay the cell phone bill this month.
-That I need to brush my teeth.
-That how nice it would be to take a bath, or a shower.
-That my head feels bumpy today, who knows why.
-That the wall calendar needs to be changed, it still says June, no wonder I am confused.
-That I wonder what my funeral will be like, will it be on a crisp autumn day like I like or will it be hot.
-That the smell of blueberries is making me sick.
-That I can hear Kay laughing quietly with Shelly
-That my hands and feet are numb, damn Taxol
-That white strips don't really work as well as the dentist does.
-That my phone is blinking at me and I have no idea why.
-That my day planner is lonely, it is covered in dust, I remember the days when I couldn't survive without it.
-That someone, sometime last night covered me up and I only remember thinking how nice it was.
-That my bag needs to be cleaned out.
-That I miss you.
-That I want to touch you before I die.
-That I got so upset the other evening with you, without even thinking.
-That I have a Helga scheduled this week.
-That in the stereo is playing quietly a cd by Mark Schultz, it is breathtakingly beautiful.
-That I heard the neatest song the other night, would love to find the words, but can't.
-That I need to hurry up and write my blog.
-That it probably won’t happen today.
-That Emily sounded so adorable when I got to speak to her the other day . . . she just cooed.
-That my chest hurts.
-That I have a stack of books here to read and I can't.
-That blue raspberry jolly ranchers are not as good as you would think.
-That I love my pillows, they envelop? me.
-That I haven't had to fold laundry (or do anything else for that matter) for weeks.
-That I have really rambled on long enough here."

"Whatever else history may say about me when I’m gone, I hope it will record that I appealed to your best hopes, not your worst fears; to your confidence rather than your doubts. My dream is that you will travel the road ahead with liberty’s lamp guiding your steps and opportunity’s arm steadying your way." -Ronald Reagan

What Really Matters

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no days, no hours or minutes. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear. So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will all expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived. It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Your gender, skin color, ethnicity will be irrelevant. So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured? What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave. What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage and sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example. What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is not your memories, but the memories of those who loved you. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what. Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters. - by Michael Josephson

Goodnight My Angel
Billy Joel
"Goodnight my angel,
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
remember all the songs you sang for me
when we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
and deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight my angel
Now it's time to dream
and dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
and if you sing this lullaby
then in your heart
there will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
but lullabies’ go on and on
They never die
That's how you and I will be."

Miss, may I have some extra cream cheese to go with my bagel? Perhaps a bigger napkin?

This, I do not know how I feel about. My feelings are torn, straight down the middle in fact. While I am so glad to bring awareness to Breast Cancer, I know personally how many other cancers need awareness as well. Where is the purple ribbon, or the gold, or the grey? I guess my heart just wants all cancers to be recognized . . . not just this one.

Carpe Diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think. -Horace

That is it. Have a good day, a beautiful week and I promise to try and blog ~~earlier~~ sometime this week.

Peace to all. Love to all. Good day.

60 Years, Dying, and Drunken Bears

2004-08-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

(Another long one, sorry about that. Grab a drink and settle in!)

Good evening friends.

This post originally was started on Tuesday, so bear with me as I try and piece it all together tonight. I hope that you all have had a beautiful week and know that you are each cared for. I wish you all love and peace as we enter into the last full week of August. I pray you each find a source of joy, something to bring your heart to contentment, something that makes you know how appreciated you are.

Monday proved to be long day as a clinic trip was needed. It was however, nice to have two days without having to go anywhere! My Hg level was 4.9 which meant a "Get to the clinic as fast as you can, do not pass go" trip in to be transfused. After getting whole blood, they switched me over to blood products as a test. It did not go well. My body just doesn’t seem to want to hang onto anything, whole or product alike. After a very long day, I came home and fell promptly to sleep.

Tuesday was a semi-non-eventful day, thankfully. It was determined that because my Hg level was still less than 8.1, I needed to be transfused yet again. However, this time there were no trials, just straight whole blood. We came home by early evening and I spent a few minutes with friends and family and once again fell promptly to sleep. Kay and Sophie spent the day cleaning the house and such as this week Shelly would be here.

Wednesday was the dreaded day. It was the start of Round Three. I wish I could tell you that I went into it with many good thoughts and high hopes, but the truth is, I didn’t. In fact, I debated several nights before about just not doing round three. I just didn’t know if I was up to feeling that sick all over again. We had been told that round three would be a struggle. Many people on this protocol die during or shortly after round three. That information did not help my decision at all. Many tears and many fits of anger later my choice was made.

I decided to go into round three with the promise to myself that the moment this round gets any tougher (or too tough), I call it quits and end it. I know the results if I do this and am prepared, either way. This treatment, this protocol, isn’t to save my life. It is to extend it and I just don’t want to live in this much misery just to have another day this miserable. I just don’t see the point. If I come to a point that I feel the need to call it quits, I will do it, fully knowing that the odds are good I will have less than two weeks to live. I would much rather do that, take my chances of having one or two GOOD days, than spend it this way, having no good days. With that choice made, I headed into the chemo clinic. It all went rather smoothly compared to the last two primary days.

Kay and Sophie spent the majority of that day shopping for Shelly’s hotel room. She was flying in on Thursday and due to isolation rules, she had to be separated for at least 72 hours after an international flight in order to protect me from anything she may carry from the flight. The only possible way for this to happen was to put her in a hotel, so Kay and Sophie made sure she had all sorts of things to make her stay in the room a little more bearable. They even went as far as to get her "soft" sheets for her bed!

Thursday was not so smooth only it wasn’t entirely Taxol related. It was mainly due to my own stupidity. I am getting ahead of myself, let me back up. First off, Thursday was the day that Shelly was due to fly in. With all the isolation rules, no one in this house could drive to the airport to get her, or they too, would need to be in isolation. It just wasn’t feasible for anyone to go. Thankfully, Barb and Andy stepped in and not only went to get her, but they also made sure that her room was set up and cleaned throughly. We are blessed to have such wonderful friends who are willing to do these things.

Back to my stupidity . . . here goes. Thursday afternoon, everyone was bustling around here, trying to get things in order. For some reason, I decided that I needed to move from my bed to the recliner that sits about 4 feet away (Stupid thought #1). I edged my way to edge of the bed and sat for a moment, getting my strength to stand up. As I stood up, I began to get hit with that feeling. (Most of you already know it, but for those of you who don’t . . . due to the cancerous lesions on my brain, a few months ago I began to have seizures. At first this only consisted of the Grand Mal type. It has now progressed to include Temporal Lobe as well. I take medication to control them and on good days, it does what it is supposed to. However, the Taxol seems to make my levels all crazy and I tend to have more "episodes" in the days right after Taxol. The two differ drastically in the way my body responds. Grand Mal’s leave me feeling disoriented and sleepy. Temporal Lobe’s leave me feeling confused, but only for a moment. I usually don’t know those are coming other than the fast flash of light I see right before. The Grand Mal’s, however, often have warning feelings before. Sometimes I know they are coming and can be somewhere safe or at least tell someone it’s about to happen. Other times, it just happens and there isn’t anything I can do about it. This was one of those times that I had "the feeling.") I decided that I could make it to the recliner before it hit (Stupid thought #2). I was wrong. I began to feel my legs collapsing underneath me and I tried to grab onto the bed. Instead, my arm got caught in the end of the bed. It immediately started to swell and turned black by the twenty minute mark. Can anyone see the ER in the future of this? Off we went to the lovely emergency room. By this time, my arm was nearly four times as large as it should have been. We were all convinced it was broken. After many X-rays, 23 hours, and two consulting doctors, we know it is not broken, but rather is a straight fracture right under my elbow. (We are all thanking God.) I guess this has taught me a few things, namely that I am not as strong as I think.

In the middle of all this, Andy and Barb were getting Shelly settled in her hotel room. After six hours of waiting in the ER, she decided she was coming up to see me, forget the isolation rules! She came up to the hospital and they were gracious enough to allow her to gown up and come in to see us. We couldn’t touch her, she couldn’t take off her mask, and she couldn’t get close to either one of us, but at least we got to see her for about twenty minutes. She went on back to her hotel and Ben and I waited for word on my arm. They sent me home in a temporary cast, just in case it was a clean break and we waited for the radiologist to consult with someone else.

The next day, Friday, they removed the temporary cast and just wrapped my arm in a splint and off we went to the Gemzar treatment. (Side note, today {Monday} the arm is MUCH better, just green and ugly!) After Gemzar, we ran over to Shelly’s hotel and I could see her (sans mask) thru her window, it was nice to see her smile and made me want to reach out and touch her that much more. I came home, spent some time with Boo-Boo, and then went on to bed.

Saturday found us at clinic to be transfused. However, the transfusion clinic is closed on the weekends, so we had to schedule it in Urgent Care. (That is always such a fun occasion. Read: complete sarcasm there.) We left the house at 8:30 and ended up back home at 7. Makes for a very, very long day. I was exhausted and ready for bed.

Today, Sunday, brings us to Shelly’s actual homecoming. It has been a bitter, bittersweet day for me. I am fluctuating between so many emotions, even I don’t know where I might swing next. I am missing Sara, missing Shelly, not wanting Kay and Sophie to leave, not knowing what to do next. I am planning my own funeral, wondering what flowers I would like to have there, wondering what Ben will wear, wondering if God will allow it to be a crisp, clear Fall day, the ones that are my favorites. I am wondering if I doing the right thing by entering round three, questioning as to when this will happen, wondering if it will be painful. I am wondering who will be there to meet me when I take the step into Heaven. Will Sara be standing there? Will Susan? Will my parents race to me and assure me I did this right? What will Jesus say to me? What will I say to Jesus? Will I fall at His feet and thank Him for my life, my family, my friends? Will I ask why? Will I care why or will I just rejoice with the Angels at the sights in Heaven? So many questions...

This evening, Shelly made it here. She walked into my room, crawled onto the bed and sobbed with me. I stroked her hair and held her tightly, never wanting to let go. No words were spoken, but I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking the same thing that we are all thinking, the one thing that no one wants to say. She was thinking that our time together is very short. She is correct.

Today, I am turning 60. (There you are, Donna. Now you have it!) I have lived 60 glorious years. 60 years full of ups, downs, happiness, sadness, fear, joy, and love. I have married my best friend, raised three beautiful girls, praised God for each day, and felt loved. I have suffered heartbreak, lost a part of my heart so large that I didn’t think I could go on, been afraid for my life, and known real pain. I have learned what truly matters in life, learned what true love really means, learned how to admit defeat, and learned how to press on. I have been blessed for 60 years.

In all reality, this will be my last year here. Unless God has other plans (I am not objecting if He does!), I will most likely die soon. I will die knowing that I did my best to please Him, did my best with my girls, did my best as a wife, as a friend, as a sister, did my best to make use of my 60 years that I was blessed with.

I learned that dreams don’t work without action. I learned that no one can stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important I learned that God does exist and he and/or she is right inside you underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. -Roseanne Finale

Today brings us to an appointment with my doctor. We will be discussing some my concerns, some upcoming treatments, etc. Please think good thoughts. Shortly after that we will be going to the chemotherapy clinic for Gemzar. I am not sure if I will need to be transfused or not, but it should be a simple day even so.

I am leaving you with a few songs, quotes and odd items of news. I hope you enjoy! Please take care of each of yourselves, remember you are loved, and I promise to update ~~earlier~~ at some point this week.

Thank you...for everything.

There is just something very wrong with this story. I mean, if I thought MY life was stressful, think what this poor creature’s personal life must be like for him to do this!

On a semi-morbid note: As much as I love a good bargain and love to shop at Costco and Sam’s etc., you will never catch me buying THIS product there. Good heavens, does anyone else see something very wrong with this?

A few weeks ago, I posted the song lyrics to a song called "Live Like You Were Dyin’." Go here to see the video. (Once you get there, click on the name of the song, and it will pop up into another window.) Truly, a beautiful song and a wonderfully simple video to go along with it.

Peace to all. Love to each. Goodnight.

Precious Lord, Take My Hand
Thomas A. Dorsey

"Precious Lord, take my hand,
Lead me on, let me stand,
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn;
Through the storm, through the night,
Lead me on to the light:

Take my hand, precious Lord,
Lead me home.

When my way grows drear,
Precious Lord, linger near,
When my life is almost gone,
Hear my cry, hear my call,
Hold my hand lest I fall:

When the darkness appears
And the night draws near,
And the day is past and gone,
At the river I stand,
Guide my feet, hold my hand."

"Loss is a part of life. You can’t really care for something or someone until you realize that one day they may be gone and when they do go you feel as though everything goes with them. We feel like we will never really care about anything again. But we do and we discover that loss was a gift that helps us appreciate all of the things we still have, that much more."-Nip/Tuck

When All is Said and Done

by Tyrone Wells

"When all is said and done,
and I’m looking back on the race I’ve run,
When my heart gives in-
I know you will be beside me, my precious friend.
It’s just the same from the beginning to the end
When all is said and done,

And if I lose my way
and I wander down this old road for days
And if the sun should fall
and the dance we once did become a crawl
Let the memories move like shadows on the wall.

If I lose my way when I’m coming home
and I walk across the bridge of death alone
I will fix my eyes on the one whose waiting on the other side,
My old friend with countless other there beside.

When I’m coming home,
When I’m coming home,
When I’m coming home."

Goodbyes, Owies, and Band-Aids

2004-08-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

Good evening friends.
This will be short and I promise a much longer post this weekend.

Things are hectic here. We have company in (Steve and Kathy) from DFW and it always seems to be crazy when they are here. They got here this morning and will stay thru the early part of the week.

Surgery on Monday went as well as expected. New central line has been placed, access line has been removed, a tissue sample was taken, and the constricting tumor removed. I am beyond sore. The first night I couldn’t breathe and talk at the same time. The second night I couldn’t breathe and move at the same time. The past few days I can breathe and talk OR breathe and move, but not do both at the same time. Progress, I suppose.

On happier news, ROUND TWO IS OVER! It ended with a bang on Wednesday. Taxol, even in small amounts, is not my friend. This we have learned. However, as a dear friend and I spoke of last evening, how can we hate something that is giving me time here?

I am off the chemotherapy treatment plan until the 18th. For now, I am just taking naps, lots and lots of naps and some much needed time with friends and family mixed in with lots and lots of naps. (Can you tell I might be getting some sleep?)

No song lyrics tonight, but I do want to leave you with a quote. In recent months, this passage has come to mean a great deal to me as I search for the answer.

Peace to all. Love to each. Goodnight.

"You spend a lifetime saying goodbye to other people. How do you say goodbye to yourself?"
-White Noise

Weekend, Luxury, and Angels

2004-08-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

Good evening Friends. (Written over the course of the weekend)

First and foremost, thank you all for your e-mail/comments. They really helped to make a difficult post easier to handle. I thought perhaps I better post this evening as I just don’t think there will be time again until after Tuesday. I am hoping you are enjoying this beautiful weekend wherever you may be. It has been somewhat relaxing here, for which I am very grateful.

Kay and Sophie remain here with us, which has helped both Ben and myself greatly. Shelly remains in Germany as her 10-day watch-period is not over yet (day seven, I believe). Ben is doing well. We have had some time to just be with each other, which was very much needed. He is planning on golfing with Andy tomorrow (Sunday) and then is going to grill outside in the evening. It is helpful to him and gives me peace knowing that he is getting a break when he needs it.

I’ve been thinking about my husband much in the past few days, our relationship, our life together, and my love for him. Someone hatefully said to me this week that "having my husband was a luxury" (paraphrased). Webster’s defines luxury as: something inessential but conducive to pleasure and comfort, something expensive or hard to obtain, or sumptuous living or surroundings. Based on this definition alone, I refuse to call my husband or my marriage a luxury. Instead, it is a necessity to me. Webster’s defines necessity as: The condition or quality of being necessary, something necessary, something dictated by invariable physical laws,
the state or fact of being in need, or a pressing or urgent need.

I do believe our marriage falls into the necessity category. Ben completes me. He has given me a meaning, a title, a reason to press on when at times I didn’t want to press on. He has been my rock, my steady hand holding me up, and the reason after all these years, that I am still madly in love with him. I cannot and do not want to imagine my life without him. I have been married to him more than two-thirds of my life. He has been a part of every memory I have from the last 40 plus years, good or bad.

This is not to say our marriage has been without flaws. We have had our ups and downs, our good times, our bad times, times when we had to both take a step back and think about where we were going as a couple. We have lost children, had our hearts ripped out, faced illness and death, struggled financially, become distant in our relationship, and thru it all, we have come back together again. With each struggle we have encountered, we have come out stronger together. Some marriages fail after the death of a child, ours became stronger, our love for each other went deeper than ever before.

So to that person who told me my marriage was a luxury? I am sorry that you feel that way. I am sorry you were not blessed with the wonderful man that I have been. I am sorry that you felt the need to tear me down emotionally by making me feel guilty for what I have and what you don’t have. I truly know that I am blessed to have Ben in my life, to have him as my husband, to have him as the father of our wonderful girls. I know that many people haven’t been able to find the love and commitment that I have with our marriage. For this, I am truly sorry. Do I think my marriage is a luxury? No. Ben was placed in my life by God when I needed him most or vice-versa. He is my best friend, my other half, my partner who completes me.

After all this time my heart still flutters when I see his face, hear his voice, or feel his soft breath on the back of my neck as he hugs me. I love the way that my hand fits perfectly in his, as if they were molded to fit each other. I love how he knows just how to make me smile, even when I can’t. I adore how he does the little things for me such as putting lotion on my back, tucking the blankets around my legs, but leaving my toes out because he remembers how much I hate that, or how he hides cards in my pillowcase for me to find just as I am going to sleep. I love how he takes my breath away when he tells I am still beautiful after all the chemo. I adore how he won’t change colognes because he knows that I love the way it smells. I could go on and on, but I have made my point. My marriage is not a luxury. It is a necessity in my life.

Tonight (Sunday evening) holds many mixed feelings. In less than 12 hours, I will be heading into surgery. I have a bit of apprehension but nothing that is overwhelming me. I trust that I am in excellent care and in good hands. I know many are saying prayers/thinking good thoughts/sending vibrant karma, so I trust in this.

I pray you all have had a wonderful weekend, that you have been blessed in some form or the other, and that you are able to have a bright and beautiful Monday. I shall talk to you all again after Tuesday.

Peace to each. Love to all. Goodnight.

Tonight’s song is one that is on my heart as today has been a day of missing our Sara. Truly, it touches me each time I have heard it and even more so when I read it. How true it is . . .

Angels in Heaven
by Higher Faith

It happened so fast - everything was a blur
And everyone came by and said how sorry they were.

I knew that they meant well So I tried to force a smile
And they said I should be thankful that I had him for a while

But now all my friends and my family have gone home.
I am just left here sitting with my memories all alone

I've always heard that God does everything right
I just wish My Angels weren’t in Heaven tonight

I know there are some things beyond our control
And some things only God can decide
That won’t stop this hurting that I feel in my soul
I just wish my angels weren’t in Heaven tonight

Oh, I know there are some things beyond our control
Some things only God can decide.
Oh But that won’t stop this hurting that I feel in my soul
I just wish my Angels weren’t in Heaven tonight

God won’t you please Kiss my Angel Good Night

Good Night

2004-08-06T00:32:00.000-07:00

(This turned out to be a very long post. I’m sorry. Guess I just had much to say. Happy Reading!)

Good evening Friends.

I hope this finds you doing well, enjoying your lives, and knowing you are loved. I came here this evening to share a few things, some great, some not so great, some just simply bad. I hope that you will bear with me as I am not sure where this post may take me.

If you are reading here, it is most likely because I have directly given you the link (or Shelly has). If you are here via someone else passing you the link, I have two things to say to you. 1). I would love to hear from you. Please feel free to leave a comment or even e-mail me! 2). You may not like what I have to say, the choices I make, or the topics I choose to write about. All I can say is, tough. Click the big red box and be on your way. I know this sounds tough, but the water may get rough in here. You have been adequately warned. Whatever way you found your way here, welcome. Now, onto my post!

This week has been turbulent (see Monday’s post for more on the beginning of the week) and heartbreaking. On the other side, it has been uplifting, strengthening, and seems to be getting slightly relaxed as we head into the weekend. It has been a very busy week with many choices being made. I have learned so much about myself, my family, and my circle of friends this week. I will do my best to explain.

First and foremost, at almost 60 (keep guessing, Donna), you would think I would have the meaning of true friends down to an exact science. You would be wrong. In fact, the closer I get to 60, the more my judgement seems to be wrong about people. I guess what I mean is that sometimes "true colors" come out in the most odd places, when you least expect them, and when you least need them. This week my heart was broken by a "false" friend. I say this word to be kind because it certainly isn’t what I’m thinking. What I’m thinking may have to be censored so perhaps we better stick with false? I was lied to, taken advantage of, and played as if I am a fool. I am dying, sometimes I may be slightly confused and more drugged than normal, but I am NO fool.

What I have I learned from this experience? Several things, believe it or not. I have learned that I need to stop doubting my inner voice so much. I have learned that my heart is connected to a very special person and I should have confided in her months ago. I have learned that sometimes people are not what they appear to be, it takes observing to get the whole picture, even if it takes 11 months. I have learned that when something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t and needs to be looked into. I have learned that when pushed into a corner by a lying, manipulative, hateful person - it is best to just stand up for yourself and those you love and let the idiots shine. (I do believe I warned you it might get rough in here.)

I found a quote that simply explains this encounter:

"There are no easy answers . . . but there are simple answers. We must have the courage to do what we know is morally right." - Ronald Reagan

While this supposed friendship could have continued on until I pass away, it was morally correct for me to uncover the truth and walk away. It wasn’t easy. I would love to tell you that is was hard, but the truth is, the only real feeling I have about it is that is finally over. I will no longer put myself into that position. I can no longer trust this "false friend" and as much as I would like to give second chances, the truth is, I just don’t have it in me anymore to cut slack. Amazing what happens when you get a time frame placed on your life. You begin to sort out what is truly most important, what is petty, and what needs to be let go of. This falls under the let go and walk on categories. Now, I don’t know if that person is reading this, but if you are? May God bless you, may you find what you are looking for, and may you realize how much you lost by your actions. Peace be with you.

That, my dear readers, was the end to a somewhat beautiful friendship. Moving on . . .

After many prayers, words of comfort, tears, and questions, we did get the majority of scan results back on Wednesday. The overall news was good (how ironic to say good in this situation. The outcome is still the same, but . . . well, I don’t even know how to say it) mixed with a few negatives. This is a welcome change as most of the time the majority is bad with very little good mixed in!
To sum it up short (if you want the long version, feel free to e-mail or call, I am sure we can arrange that!), we WILL be doing at least one more round of the Taxol/Gemzar treatment. I had some "stable" disease areas, no new growth in some areas, and overall the treatment seems to be working as it should. (Please do not forget that this is NOT a cure, only a hope of extending my life by a few weeks/months) I do have a few areas of interest and there will be a watchful eye on those, with the exception of one. That one small area is capable of compromising my airway if it increases in size, so the option was to watch it and see what it does after another round or two OR remove it surgically via laparoscopy surgery.

Without much thought, I decided to not wait and just let them remove it now. This doesn’t mean it won’t grow back. Due to the fact that they are doing this in via lap. there is a chance that they will not be able to scrape all of the tissue, thus leaving a remainder that may or may not grow back. I know you are thinking "why not just take it all out now." Good question. In order to successfully scrape my chest wall and remove this particular tumor, it would require being cut open and being in surgery for an extended amount of time, not including the risk of bleeding out. It is just too much risk, so we will take our chances and pray that the Taxol/Gemzar prevents it from growing from the remaining tissue.

Along with this, they will be placing my central line that has been out since that horrible infection. I will be so glad to get rid of the iv line! Also, they will REMOVE the access line that was placed for dialysis. This is wonderful news. (Err, Go kidney’s, go?) Surgery will be at 10:30 Monday morning with Gemzar to follow that evening. Which brings me to my next topic . . . this round is ALMOST over. It ends on Wednesday the 11th and then I will be off for a week before the next round (three) begins. This round will end as the last one did, with one-third of the dose of Taxol to finish the round. The next round will begin on the 18th which means I almost have a full week off from chemo. Trust me. I am grinning. I plan on catching up some sleep, sorting things, and perhaps spending some time reading, movie watching, etc.

A few more things to comment on. I learned something tonight. For those of you that use Yahoo Messenger, I am sure you have updated your programs to the latest application (6.0). If you have, you know that there are several new options, including games and stealth modes in which to ignore people with. Well, it just happens that if you have played a game (one of the four on the single player games) and one of the people on your friend list beats you, their name appears on your scoreboard (bear with me, I AM going somewhere with this) above your name, placing them in First and your name in Second. Still with me? Good, here’s where it might get confusing. Say you have your games played and Bob has beaten you. He is first and you are in second on, oh say, Collapse. If Bob gets mad at you and places you on stealth (meaning you can’t see when he is on-line), it AUTOMATICALLY places YOU back in first taking their name off. This also applies to the scenario that Bob deletes you from his friends’ list. Bada-Boom-Bada-Bing, you are now the winner. What does this have to do with anything? Oh, nothing really, just more of me not being quite the fool I am being made out to be.

Which brings me to my next subject. A few days ago, I posted a quote that supposedly came from someone named Yoda. I know now that was not true and in fact, was a blatant lie. The quote was as follows:

"The more complicated and uncertain life is, the more we yearn for tranquility,with time enough to love, play, work, and think. We want to enjoy the simple things -conversation, snowfall, laughter. Overwhelmed by the intensity of our lives, we want to simply be, but often we do not know how to begin. We are not alone in our search for serenity."

Credit goes to The Running Press Company because this passage comes straight from their opening paragraph in the amazing book "Secrets of Serenity: A Treasury of Inspiration." My apologies to all that were stripped of the credit for this wonderful book.
Tomorrow is coming all too soon and I have a bit of a long day, so perhaps it is best if I go back to sleep (you know you are hopelessly addicted to blogging when you lose sleep because you are writing a post AND you wake up from a deep sleep and the first thought you have is "GOT TO POST"). This weekend, I promise to have some new lyrics and such for you, but as you can probably tell, it has been a busy week and I just haven’t been able to get to them yet. For now, I will leave you with the song that keeps going thru my head at the oddest times.

One more noteworthy comment (this might even be shout worthy!). My sincere congratulations, deepest respect, and utmost admiration goes out to the young women of Sigma. These young ladies took it upon themselves to organize a team for Relay for Life, walked in honor and in memory of Sara, and raised a tremendous amount of money for the ACS. To all the members of the "Lively Ladybug" team...I am touched for your love and devotion for my Forever Ladybug. Thank you all.

Peace to each. Love to all. Goodnight.

When Your Spirit Gets Weak
by Plus One
Chorus

‘When your spirit gets too weak
When the water seems too deep
When you think there's just no way
I'll be there for you night and day
When the mountain seems too steep
When your spirit gets too weak
When you think there's just no way
I'll be there for you night and day’

Good Times, Folks, Good Times

2004-08-03T01:17:00.000-07:00

Today has been rough. I say that only to state the obvious.

To sum it up in orderly fashion, here you go:

1. The number of times I laughed today.
2. The number of things I threw today.
3. The number of times I had to stop on the way home to vomit.
4. The number of people who have been hurt by my actions this week.
5. The number of times Ben told me to STOP IT.
6. The number of shirts I have changed today.
7. The number of times I questioned WHAT AM I DOING ON THIS TABLE?
8. The number of times I said I loved someone today without ever hearing it back.
9. The number of times the phone rang in the waiting area today before I answered it.
10. The number of times Ben has asked me if I need more Ativan.

NEXT 3 PARAGRAPHS NOT FOR THE EASILY EMBARRASSED:

In the middle of my grand day, I encountered the most uncaring, cold-hearted, Oncology Gynecologist. It seems a few weeks ago, due to some suspicious events, a pap was ordered. By the luck of the draw, my doctor went on vacation and I happened to slip under the radar. Today, it seems that I was one giant bleep on the radar screen. In the middle of scans, after chemo, a rude nurse comes out to tell me to (and folks, I wish I was kidding on this one) "Take off your underwear including your bra so the doctor can do a complete breast exam."

Ok, please tell me you all see the sick humor in that statement. So up onto the table I go sans underwear and the bra I WASN’T EVEN WEARING. I asked for a sheet because I was cold. The same nurse says, "It’s not cold enough in here to need a sheet, in fact, it is slightly warm." Perhaps if I had on CLOTHES I wouldn’t be so damned cold, but what can I say, the paper thin gown I was in just wasn’t cutting it. She proceeded to bring me a sheet along with "Dr. I’mGoingToHurtAndHumliateYouAllWhileInvitingAStudentToComeInAndWatchWhileIDoThings
YouWon’tEvenLetYourHusbandDoToYouAnymore" or as he is better known as, Dr. E.

He proceeded to palpitate my chest as if I were a piece of meat in need of being tenderized with a mallet. This is THRU the paper gown, folks. He then says "I don’t feel any abnormal lumps in your breast area." Um . . . this would be a good thing, consider I HAVE NO BREASTS. He then proceeds to tell me to put my feet in the stirrups. Sure thing, Cowboy. You can tell this is only going downhill from here. Long story condensed for the sake of boring you to death, I have no doubt that no one will be attempting that again any time soon.

Guess what folks? IT IS ONLY MONDAY. Let the good times begin.

Irrepressible Hope, Pictures, and Our Family

2004-08-01T16:53:00.000-07:00

Good Afternoon Friends.
I know it has been a number of days since a personal post from me. Please accept my apologies and know that you all are never far from my thoughts. Each day writing a post has been on my to-do list, but somehow at the end of each day, it has been pushed to the next day. At any rate, I am here to write a fairly long post . . . including pictures! (SEE BELOW THIS POST FOR NEW PICTURES)

Since I have been home from the hospital, not a lot has happened! Truly, I have spent much time resting/sleeping and haven’t had the chance to do much of anything other than a thrice-weekly clinic visit. Luckily, I have not had any fevers that have spiked (and stayed high) enough to have required re hospitalization nor infections that have need constant monitoring. We have had a few scares during the Gemzar infusions, but nothing that hasn’t been solved by stopping and restarting at a later time.

Tomorrow (Monday, August 2nd) holds much in store for all of us. Scans are scheduled to take place (all of them) as well as my normal (is there any NORMAL to this?) Gemzar treatment. Due to the fact that we cannot veer too far off the protocol course, Gemzar will be administered very early in the morning (7:30 to be exact) so that the rest of the scans can all be done tomorrow. This will make for a long and tiring day for all of us.

All of us includes Ben, Kay, Sophie, Caroline, and myself. Of course, they will not all be with me, but as I was recently told during a family talk "we are all in this together, it involves us all." It is very comforting to hear that. I am quite anxious as we should be able to notice change (significant is hoped for) on this set of scans. It has been more than six weeks since my last set and my nervousness over this tends to consume me. I find myself thinking over all the "what-ifs" and "what now," perhaps prematurely, but those of you that know me intimately know that I like to be prepared. This time it is no different.

I am spending today focusing on me. I try very hard NOT to do that, I feel it takes too much away from those I love. However, today, I need this. Today, I need to just have my quiet time. I have spent the afternoon alternating between dozing, working on some thank-you cards, and working on this post. Those closest to my heart understand this and have willingly agreed to give me the space I need today. There are a few select people whom I have "allowed" into my quiet time today, they have been nothing but supportive and have given me just what I needed.

Today finds Ben out on the golf course. He was overjoyed at the thought of going and much like a child, was giddy when his golfing buddy came by to pick him up. I am grateful for the support system Ben has in place. He is very loved and incredibly cared for within his circle of friends. They tend to pick up on his moods and always seem to step in when he needs a break. We are blessed.

Kay and Sophie are doing their own things. The last I heard, Kay was napping and Sophie was trying to teach Lucky the art of not drooling all over her work papers. (Good luck on that one, if you succeed, could you work on the art of Lucky not eating Grandma’s blankets while she is sleeping?) They both (Kay and Sophie) have been such a wonderful help to both Ben and me. We are very grateful that they were able to uproot their lives, fly halfway around the world, and so easily fall into our everyday lives. As far as I know, they will continue to stay until after Shelly returns.

Speaking of Shelly and her adorable family, I mentioned in the last post that her husband, Alex, had been accepted as lead chair. Once again, I would like to express our pride for him. He has worked very hard to support his little family, put his heart into his teachings, and shown us he is a blessing to our lives. We are very proud of you, Alex! Also, I do not know if I mentioned it or not in a previous post, but poor baby Emily acquired the Varicella-Zoster virus, more commonly known as . . . CHICKEN POX!!! Our poor little turtle took it all stride and from what Shelly said, did very well with not scratching. She has been declared virus free and Shelly has started the 10-day countdown until she also can be declared virus free and permitted to travel again.

Emily has become very vocal in the past month. She can often be heard telling the dog " BellaNo " (all one word) and frequently says UP. She is also toddling everywhere and becoming very independent (she IS Shelly’s child, I tell you), often mastering the stairs and demanding her dad let go of her hand as she does so. She has yet to fully master Dad or even Dada, but continually calls Alex " ecks. " It is a start, I suppose. She does, however, have momma down to a science.

Let us see, what else? Oh yes. Many of you who know me intimately know that I am a middle of the road voter. I do not consider myself to be a Republican nor a Democrat, nor do I lean towards one or the other. Simply put, I vote for the candidate that my heart leads me to vote for. Sometimes, often, I vote for the person who said that one thing that struck me as compassionate, thought provoking, or impacted me in some form. Now, here we are on another election year and lo and behold, a candidate from my state is in the running, John Kerry. This does NOT mean I will vote for him given the chance. In fact, it means the exact opposite. I KNOW what he has done for Massachusetts. Does this mean that I will try to sway the vote? No. Each person has the right AND the responsibility to vote according to their standards. However, I must admit to you that I found this Anti-Kerry product to be beyond humourous and am seriously considering buying a caseload of it to send to my Bostonian friends who are just as anti-Kerry as I am.

Also, this is just wrong. Lucky better be trembling in fear and thanking God that we do not live in China. He also should be happy that he has no fashion sense and does not read " Doggy-Vogue: The Latest Fashions at the Hydrant. " I am telling you, this is just wrong. Wrong on so many levels.

Well friends, I am going to have close this post for the time being. I certainly have enjoyed recounting the past few days with you. I promise to update as soon as we have the results from the scans (if not before). In the meantime....

Peace to all. Love to each. Goodnight.

Today’s quote of choice:
A few days ago a friend of mine shared with me a piece she had written years earlier. I hope she doesn’t mind that I share it here, but I just found it so thought provoking and so intriguing that I could not help but think it might give you something to think about, just as it did me. It just fit my life and events so well...thanks, Yoda. How true it is....enjoy.

"The more complicated and uncertain life is, the more we yearn for tranquility, with time enough to love, play, work, and think. We want to enjoy the simple things -conversation, snowfall, laughter. Overwhelmed by the intensity of our lives, we want to simply be, but often we do not know how to begin. We are not alone in our search for serenity."-credit to Yoda.

Current song of the moment:
Answer by Sarah McLachlan

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It'll all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
A Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It'll all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

2004-08-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

Dare I say the fruits of my labor? Hmm. At any rate, this is a stunning African Gray Sunflower (hey, I don't name them!). Every petal perfect, with one tiny bug enjoying his new tanning bed.
Posted by Shar

2004-08-01T14:09:00.001-07:00

Just lounging around on Gram's bed, watching TV, wondering why Grandpa is looking at me funny. Don't ALL cats get this sort of treatment?
Posted by Shar

2004-08-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

Look, it's my play toy, err, item to claim, err, it's MY box, ok? (For Donna...see, 8x8)
Posted by Shar

2004-08-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

Donna, yet another shot of our box cat.
Posted by Shar

2004-08-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

Introducing the newest member to our always growing family: Kaitlyn Sage, born July 5,2004 (shown here at 3 days old) Congrats to M and B, she is a cutie. Even at almost 5 weeks early, she is perfect. Answered prayers.
Posted by Shar

2004-08-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

I'm awake, what more do you want? (Kaitlyn, 3 weeks old)
Posted by Shar

2004-08-01T14:04:00.000-07:00

If I look at you, will you STOP taking pictures? A baby has got to have some sleep, you know. (Kaitlyn, 3 weeks old)
Posted by Shar

2004-08-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

I COULD be making vulgar hand gestures at you, but more likely, I am just trying to shield my eyes from that flash!
Posted by Shar

Life and Me

2004-07-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

Good evening family.

This will be short. I have been home from the hospital since Friday. To date, all I have done is sleep. I had a break from chemo until from Friday morning until this afternoon. Today began the second round of Taxol/Gemzar. Scans are scheduled for August 1st.

I don’t have anything else to say at this time, primarily because I am just too tired to type it out. I will do a longer update over the weekend. Ben is fine, Kay and Sophie are still here, Shelly remains in Germany for a while longer. Animals are all fine. It’s hot here in Missouri. Ben was outside grilling this evening and the heat index was still at 99. I think I will continue to nestle down under my blankets and let them turn the air conditioner down to the ice cooler tempature.

On a side note, Congratulations to our son-in-law Alex on the appointment to lead chair. We are both very proud of you on a job well deserved.

I am going back to sleep. No quote, lyrics, or funny stories, I am just too tired. Peace to all. Love to each. Goodnight.

MOM

2004-07-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

Mom asked that I update to let you know that she is currently in the hospital and is unable to obtain an internet connection. She is battling an infection that is taking a toll on her body. When I spoke to her this evening she had a temp. of 102.? (I forgot to write it down while I was talking to Dad) and had a horrible headache. She had her chemotherapy this evening and having some noticeable side effects from it as well. Her speech was a bit slurred from the headache. (Dad assures me this will go away as the fever decreases.)

Please keep Mom and Dad in your prayers as they deal with this hospital visit. Pray for her counts to recover, her spirits to remain high, and her pain to be eased. I know she wants to come home very soon. However, she does realize this is the place she needs to be right now for her health and safety. I will update if needed, but hopefully the next post will be straight from Mom at home. Thank you all for your continued prayers.

100 Items of Interest, Nausea, and Pictures

2004-07-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

Good evening family.

So many things to update you all on and so little time. Each night, I have written a paragraph or two about the day, so I wouldn’t forget to tell you all about it. Tonight, let’s toss it to the wind and just speak about the NOW. It is my hope that this finds you all doing as well as you can be, that you know you are cared for, that you know you are loved.

This week has been a journey, a test of endurance, and a record breaking sleeping week. Kay and Sophie are still with us and I speak for both of us when I say we are so glad! They have both been an amazing help and we are so grateful for their ability to stay. Shelly has to extend her stay back home for a while as little Ms. Emily has acquired chicken pox accompanied with a cold. Our little one is one miserable baby and our Shelly is one worried mom. Please keep them all in your prayers and thoughts.

Our regimen of chemotherapy (Taxol/Gemzar) continues with projected side effects. The only noticeable differences appear to be an increased constant nausea and severe fatigue. My ANC (this is the systems ability to fight off infection) has dropped to 155 (normal being anything more than 1000). This is cause for protective measures (i.e., restricted visitors, food restrictions, constant disinfecting, etc.) and we are taking no shortcuts. We are asking for no visitors unless approved, no fresh flowers, fruit, or stuffed anything, and anything that I eat has to be prepared within 30 minutes of eating it. As you can see, the restrictions are very strict, but this is for my protection. Any germ or virus could be deadly, so we are not cutting corners or making exceptions. We know you all understand. When Shelly returns in a few weeks, we have been told she will need to be in an isolated room for no less than three days to ease the chance of her bringing something in from the flight. Strict, but needed.

I have been sleeping often. This is expected and is the result of several things, the number one being the anti-nausea medication, Zofran. While it works wonders (often declared my closest friend!)it also tends to make me very sleepy. Couple this with the pain medications and my body just needing a chance to recover and the result is massive amounts of sleep. Amazing one can sleep this much and still be tired. It is frustrating to me as I feel like I missing out on so much, but I am assured that this is normal and that everyone involved in my life understands. I must say, I have been very blessed in the fact that so many have been accommodating to my needs. Thank you all.

Ben continues to hang in here. Having Kay and Sophie here has been such a help to him, he has had the chance to sleep some nights and is looking much better. We are blessed.

I know I usually close with a quote and tonight, I promise I will as well, but I also have a few prayer/good thought requests to ask of you.

• For those who are having medical procedures in the upcoming week, for their health, their peace, their recovery.
• For those who are traveling in the upcoming weeks, for their safety, their enjoyment.
• For those who surround me currently, for their rest, for their sanity, for their peace.
I also have been working on a little something. I recently read an article about 100 things you may not know about the author. I decided to adapt that here and write my own 100 things. I hope you enjoy them. Some of you may have known some of them, and some may come as a complete shock to you. Either way, I would love to hear some of your 100 things. Please do share when you have the time.

1. I have always wanted to be a mother.
2. I have always wanted to be a wife.
3. I have always wanted to be a grandmother.
4. I have always wanted to share my faith.
5. I have always wanted to grow old.
6. I love sitting in the sand while the waves crash against me.
7. I love to hear people laugh.
8. I love to snuggle.
9. I love to watch the cats sleep.
10. I love to smell the scents in a candle shop.
11. I have been in a fistfight with a person of the opposite gender.
12. I have lost something precious to me, but there are no words to even describe it.
13. I have a laugh that is contagious.
14. I have been mugged.
15. I have had to hurt someone in order to save myself.
16. My favorite movies are Chantilly Lace, Moonlight Mile, and Steel Magnolias.
17. My favorite book is The Bible.
18. My favorite month is October.
19. My favorite time of the day is the gloaming hour.
20. My favorite memory of childhood is walking in the leaves with my father.
21. I don’t like people who hurt the people I love.
22. I don’t like cold winter mornings.
23. I don’t like not being in control of the situation at hand.
24. I don’t like surprises (any more).
25. I don’t like pain.
26. I was a virgin when I got married.
27. I was a pom-pom girl for a short time in high school.
28. I was offered a position working for the U of Georgia as a sign language interpreter.
29. I was denied membership to a country club based on my beliefs.
30. I was always the shortest person in my family.
31. I have learned more in the past 3 years than I have in the previous 56.
32. I have learned more about cancer, radiation, and chemo than I ever wanted to know.
33. I have learned more about life, love, and death in recent months.
34. I have learned more about the truth of my wedding vows in the past 2 years.
35. I have learned more about the people I love by sharing my heart.
36. My best friends don’t even know that they are my best friends.
37. My best friends are the ones who I don’t think twice about crying with.
38. My best friends don’t hesitate to call me in the middle of the night.
39. My best friends don’t wait to tell me when I am wrong.
40. My best friends don’t even know how much they mean to me.
41. I have never done illegal drugs.
42. I have never felt joy like the joy I had the day I first held Emily.
43. I have never been to Idaho or Rhode Island.
44. I have never felt more loved than I do right this very moment.
45. I have never felt more pain in my life than I did in the months after losing Sara.
46. I love making others smile.
47. I love writing as much as I love reading.
48. I love being a wife.
49. I love being a mother.
50. I love being a friend.
51. I secretly always wanted to be a spy.
52. I secretly think I can dance.
53. I secretly know the ozone layer can be fixed with duct tape and saran wrap.
54. I secretly cried when we lost the second baby.
55. I secretly despise driving over bridges.
56. I have held a stranger’s hand while they died.
57. I have only been involved in one motor vehicle accident.
58. I have broken my arm doing a cartwheel at age 40.
59. I have always wanted to go parachute jumping.
60. I have always been organized.
61. My favorite place to be is Hilton Head.
62. My favorite song of the moment is Narrow Daylight.
63. My favorite blanket is Sara’s baby blanket.
64. My favorite household chore is laundry.
65. My favorite memory from married life is the day we became a complete family.
66. I once found myself crying with a stranger.
67. I once believed I could fly from the roof.
68. I once spent time in a psychiatric ward.
69. I once held myself accountable for someone’s death.
70. I once questioned my ethics.
71. I don’t like chocolate cake.
72. I don’t understand negative people.
73. I don’t feel like any less of a woman without breasts.
74. I don’t mind not having hair anymore.
75. I don’t like the smell of magic markers.
76. I am a big fan of Desmond Tutu.
77. I am a singing driver.
78. I am a researcher by heart.
79. I am a lover of music.
80. I am not a child of old money.
81. My favorite quote is “Love conquers all.”
82. My favorite meal is Alfredo pasta and chicken.
83. My favorite types of candy are orange suckers.
84. My favorite color is sage green.
85. My favorite scent is Ben’s cologne.
86. I have been lost in a bookstore for more than six hours.
87. I have been known to put my keys in the freezer.
88. I have been known to burst into tears while watching a hallmark commercial.
89. I have been in a hurricane, tornado, and an earthquake.
90. I have been embarrassed by Ben.
91. I have always liked to travel.
92. I have always loved to come back home.
93. I have always loved to learn.
94. I have always been a klutz.
95. I have always believed in reach for the stars and then some.
96. I am blessed to have been a mother to such wonderful girls.
97. I am blessed to be married to a man who completes me.
98. I am blessed to have led a life of much happiness.
99. I am blessed to have such caring supporters.
100. I am blessed to be so loved.

In other news . . . I have located a bonus to being bald. Please read the following story to understand what I mean. California HERE I COME.

"Love gives life to the lifeless. Love lights a flame in the heart that is cold. Love brings hope to the hopeless and gladdens the hearts of the sorrowful. In the world of existence there is indeed no greater power than the power of love."

"Maybe happiness was just a matter of the little up ticks -- the traffic signal that said "walk" the second you got there -- and the down ticks -- the itchy tag at the back of your collar -- that happened to every person in the course of the day. Maybe everybody had the same allotted measure of happiness within each day. Maybe it didn't matter if you were a world-famous heartthrob or a painful geek. Maybe it didn't matter if your friend was dying. Maybe you just got through it. Maybe that was just all you could ask for." -- Ann Brashares - "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"

Peace to all. Love to each. Goodnight.

2004-07-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

In every storm, find a rainbow. Today, we just happened to blessed with one...enjoy.

2004-07-08T20:25:00.001-07:00

Lucky getting un-stuck from under the yard shed.

2004-07-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

My little NON ANGRY duck, Emily

Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much

2004-07-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

Good evening family. (I have been thinking about this . . . and if you are in my heart far enough for me to call you my friend? Then you are my family.)

It has been far too long, my friend. I didn’t realize just how therapeutic this writing is! Each night, I find myself thinking of things I want to talk about, things I want to share with you all, and tonight, here I am! So much has happened since my last entry, I am not even sure where to start . . . but I will do my best to catch everyone up. My e-mail box is filling up and I am falling behind in phone calls, please bear with me.

When we last spoke, I shared with you my updates until last Saturday the 24th. While my memory is vague of that time, I can tell you that I enjoyed my time immensely with Shelly, Alex, and Emily while they were here. Sunday was a day of many blessings as we didn’t know what was to come on Monday. We had a grill-out here with 18 people all crowding in to share in some laughs, many tears, and much more love. It was stressful but needed, and will never be forgotten by anyone who was in attendance, I am sure.

Monday.

Monday our lives changed. Our hearts were broken. Our hope was shattered.

Monday, we were told the results of Friday’s scans. It was not good. The medication I had been taking (Xeloda) no longer seemed to be as effective as first thought. Due to that fact, I was being taken off the protocol and needed FDA approval (compassionate use only) in order to continue on the medication. This is hard to come by, almost impossible it seems. There were no more options. That was it. We could ask the FDA for approval and hope it came and that it came in time, or we could just reduce ourselves to the fact that this was the end. We decided to ask for approval and pray for the best. Then I did the second hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I signed the papers declining further treatment if the case was that we didn’t gain approval. This was the second hardest thing I have ever done in my life, the first being losing Sara.

Before we entered the office that afternoon, I already knew what I would do, should we reach a point that hope was hard to come by. I was prepared or so I thought. As I watched my hand sign that paper, it was almost as if I was someone else, very calm, everything was amplified in my head but I knew what I was doing and what it meant and I was ready. We returned home that evening with everyone in tow and a million questions to sort through. I do believe someone close to me called it shock, my actions that evening. I couldn’t bring myself to speak or even let myself cry. I was distant, more so that I have been in a long time. So many things were going in my mind, questions, doubts, fears, everything. I watched my family struggle with the news and I watched my daughter’s heart break all over again. I didn’t know how to help her. I couldn’t help myself, nor anyone else. I watched Ben, my sensible Ben, fall apart and collect himself again, just to be strong for me. I watched my sister, the rock, going through the motions of taking care of everyone. I watched it all from a distance, unable to even speak to those closest to me.

As the shock began to wear off and the reality set it, I found myself realizing how blessed my family truly is. Wait. Please don’t call the men in white coats yet. Hear me out first. We are blessed. This horrible news came when my entire family was here. It came when we could all share in the pain, they could help to support Ben, they could help us make some choices. We are blessed that we have had the time together, we are blessed that God has allowed medical science to be incorrect in the estimate of my lifespan. We are blessed for each hour with each other. We are blessed.

Tuesday, after much persuading, Shelly and her little family boarded a flight to Munich. She will return alone in a few days. My sister Kay and her wife Sophie stayed with us, changing their flights until a later date in order to help us a few more days. Steve and Kathy returned home to DFW and we were left here with our thoughts to consume us. Then the phone rang.

“I need to see both you and Shar in my office this evening, can you make it?”

That is what Ben heard when he was told he had a phone call. The caller on the other end was my doctor, a kind, loving, compassionate, and wonderful man. We hurriedly went in to meet with him, not knowing what was to come. What came was a wonderful surprise. After much research, he had a clinical study that is proving to extend lives . . . would we be interested in hearing about it? YES. Would we be interested in joining it? After talking it over with people closest to my heart, I made the choice to begin this protocol. (Taxol/Gemzar) This is not a cure. I need to make that clear. It has however, been proven to extend the lifespan of many people who have the same advanced metastatic breast cancer as I do. It isn’t an easy protocol by any means, but the evidence supporting this study gives us great hope that this will give us some extra time.

We were blessed. Our hearts were pieced back together. Our hopes renewed.

We began this protocol on Wednesday. The first night, I must admit I was ill, very ill. I began to have my doubts about my choice. However, with much encouragement from those around me, I knew this was what we needed to be doing, full steam ahead. We are blessed to have this option.

Thursday we didn’t have to go into clinic, but we did run into town to go to the eye doctor. Dr. Pizzo was incredibly gracious and agreed to let us come in after hours in order to avoid crowds. My resistance, although low right now, will plummet to zero in the course of the next few days. It was necessary to get the eye appointment over with before that happens. I will be virtually homebound when my counts hit bottom with the exception of the hospital. The eye doctor proved to be very useful. My vision is changing dramatically, more so in one eye. This is correct with an updated prescription for contacts and a new prescription for glasses. We headed over to the one hour Lenscrafters to let them make the glasses. (Do not even let me get started on that tangent.) After a few hours, we returned home where I promptly took a nap only to wake to a rising fever. Fever in any degree is cause for alarm. This could be caused by an infection or more likely was just a side effect from the aggressive chemotherapy. After a shower-bath, ice packs, and continual cool cloths, the fever came down enough for me to rest for a few hours.

Today marked the second day of Gemzar (Taxol is only once in the cycle). The fever is slowly creeping down, but blood samples were taken just to culture in case there is an infection lingering. The clinic visit was short and we came straight home as we all needed some rest.

Kay and Sophie have graciously agreed to stay on for another week as we head into the part of the chemotherapy cycle we have been told will be “vicious.” Shelly will return in a few weeks without Alex or the baby if things work out. We miss them greatly already. Baby Emily is just gorgeous and has us all wrapped around her fingers with the blink of her eye. She most certainly has
Grand-papa’s heart in her hand. Quite the little charmer, she is.

This weekend, as we go into the holiday weekend, we have no plans. This year, we plan on just resting and spending quality time with those we love. We hope that your plans bring you some joy, but most of all that you feel the love we have for each of you. Ben and I both have heartfelt thanks to each of you for your prayers, support, and love that you have shown to us. I don’t know what we would have done without you all. This journey has not been easy nor has it been wanted. However, with your help, we have made it through and continue to make it with your thoughts and prayers.

I close tonight with a few stories and quotes to tide you over. First off all, most of you all know my cooking skills lack...well, skill to be quite honest. I have been known to set a few fires in my day, my most notorious being the infamous “micro-waved ice cream” event which resulted in a visit from our local fire department. (For those of you wondering, if you want to soften ice cream, your best bet is to leave it on the counter, do not, and I repeat, do NOT attempt to micro-wave it, no matter how much sense it makes at the time.) Also, my setting the George Foreman on fire has also been recounted a few times. However, tonight? I bring to you a story proving once again that I am NOT the only person (or people in this case) who has done something like this. Thank you, Dallas F.D, for making me know I am not alone and remember... “Only YOU can prevent forest (err, kitchen) fires!”

Quote of the week:

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."

-Mary Jean Iron

Current song:
Our Lives by The Calling
(excerpt from it)
“ 'Cause these are the days worth livin'
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives
Even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
'Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives.”

Peace to all. Love to Each. Goodnight.

Spiders, Babies, and Scans

2004-06-26T01:10:00.000-07:00

Good evening.

Over the course of the past three days, I have written several unfinished entries. Tonight, I thought I would try to combine them and catch up those of you who are not with me right now. I say that because as you may or may not know, my house is packed with people. My daughter Shelly, son-in-law Alex, BEAUTIFUL grand-baby Emily, sister Kay, sister-in-law Sophie, sister-in-law Kathy, and brother-in-law Steve are all here this weekend. A lot of people here, but even more love.

The turn of events that got them here from halfway across the world is at best lengthy to recount, so I will sum it up to say that it was time for Shelly’s sweet little baby to be introduced to her grandparents and time for Shelly to have some quality time with her parents. With that said, most of the above-mentioned family will be staying until Tuesday with the exception of Steve and Kathy who will return to Dallas/Fort Worth late Sunday evening. It is both stressful as well as wonderful to have this much love surrounding me. Have I mentioned that Emily is adorable and PERFECT?

I have known about this for a few days but had NO idea that Kay and Sophie would be coming along, it was a complete shocker to me to look up and see Sophie standing in my doorway. Many tears have been shed, many laughs have been had, and many more to come, this I am sure of. Now, as everyone sleeps, I come to this page to post and try to make sense of the past due journal entries.

Wednesday Recap
Wednesday found us restarting dialysis (answered prayers) and the second day of radiation along with a clinic visit. Platelets and blood were needed if I remember correctly as well as a boost of fluids. We left clinic and headed to “NBC” and to “Babies-R-Us” to do none other than BABY SHOPPING. After an exhausting day, we went to those stores to spoil our Emily. I stayed near in preparation the front and Ben brought me, well, pretty much one of everything in the store to look at and decide upon. (Can you say proud grand-papa?). We came home and I spent some much needed time with some dear friends. This gave me the chance to focus on something else other than my stress about the kids coming in.

Thursday Recap
Thursday was an easy clinic day with only one unit of platelets needed and then the third day of radiation completed. We dashed home so Ben could prepare to drive to Tulsa to pick up the kids (and Kay and Sophie as I know now!). During the time between our arrival home and Ben’s departure I did take a tumble but after a few moments, recovered with only a few tears. (Da-da-da?) Ben left with Andy to get the kids, I napped off and on until they got home and then spent some time just basking in the love that is here. We are blessed.

Friday (today) Recap
We had scans today to determine the next, if any, course of treatment. I must say, due to other things taking my worry, scans were not of major concern to me until this morning. Normally, the evening before I would be panicking, but this time I was so focused on our company, I almost forgot about them. Shelly went with me for scans as well as radiation. It was nice to have her company during the waiting periods. Kay brought Emily to the hospital during one of our down times, so I was able to show Precious Emily off to my nurses who have heard so much about her. They, of course, loved her and she charmed them all with her adorable little smile. They were also happy to meet Shelly, some of them remembered her from Sara’s treatment period, others just have heard me brag. Kay and Sophie joined us for a bit (at one point, I had so many people with me, I thought it might be considered an entourage!) as did Ben, Andy, Alex. Soon, it was back to just Shelly, Caroline, and I to complete the day. When we were done there, we headed home. We will get the results on Monday if all goes well. Once we got home, Steve and Kathy arrived (a day early) and the entire gang left to go eat dinner while I napped. When they got back, I took the chance to snuggle with baby Emily for a long bit while she slept. I stared in adoration at this amazing blessing to our lives and thanked God for sending her to us when we obviously needed her the most. After a bit (not nearly long enough) I joined our company for a nice chat in the den along with a viewing of Baby Emily’s baptismal video which I slept thru (going to re-watch it again tomorrow).

This weekend holds many memories in the making and I will be sure to update you all when I can. For now, I would like to thank you all for your support, love, prayers, and good thoughts. Truly, it means the world to both Ben and I. Please continue to send us those as we face Monday.

I have MANY more things to add but tonight, it is far too late and my mind is too jumbled. I do have one closing story for you:

A few months ago, some of you may remember that I had a run-in with an 8-legged creature. As ALL of you know, I am scared to death of ALL arachnids. This will never change. However, a few months ago, I was upstairs in bed with a soothing candle glowing and soft music playing. Tucked into my nice comfortable blankets, spiders were the last thing on my mind. That is . . . until I saw him. Him being a GIANT brown wood spider staring back at me from the end of the bed, quickly climbing toward me. Well . . . I, being scared and smart (hey, I thought so at the time), just decide to let him crawl away from me, no harm to come to either one of us (I was feeling particularly generous that evening) and he could return to his happy little home. Apparently Mr. Spider did NOT get the same memo I got. He proceeded to crawl DIRECTLY toward me, aiming for my jugular, I am sure (the mind tends to jump drastically when faced with fear). Just as he reached my arm, he did a sharp right and headed for the night stand. Afraid I would lose track of him, I did what every person of sound mind and body would do. I took the items off the night stand so I wouldn’t lose sight of him. I placed them all next to me and then looked for him . . . he was gone. Then I saw him. Those furry legs were quickly approaching me once again, so I did what any reasonable person would do. I beat the hell out of him with my pillow. Once I was assured of his “deadness” I was much calmer. That is until I felt the fire. Yes, you guessed it, one of the items I took from the night stand was the jar candle. It caught the bed on fire sometime during my spider battle and was burning my leg. I quickly put the fire out, patted myself on the back for killing the spider and putting out the fire, and settled down to sleep. (A spider dead, fire bed?) Now, on my behalf, I must admit that the few people I shared this story with have, well, laughed in my face. Tonight? I bring to you evidence I am NOT the only person in America to have done this. Please read this story to understand. (For readers with weak bladders, please use the restroom first, as you may wet yourselves laughing. You know . . . just like you laughed at me?)

Now, my dear loved ones, I am hitting the pillow sans a spider friend of course. More stories to follow in the next few days. Peace to all. Love to each. Goodnight.

Prayers of Gratitude Tonight

2004-06-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

Good evening friends.

I know there is a lack in updates and for that, I apologize. This will not be a long post as I am pretty much beat, but I would like to take a moment and say . . .

THANK YOU FOR YOUR GOOD THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!

As you can see from my shouting from the rooftop statement, we have in fact started back on the course of treatment.

So with that said, I am going to tell you that I will do my BEST to update tomorrow night (Wednesday evening) with all the details. Tonight, I am a bit on the tired side (and perhaps slightly drugged) and not really up to a long update. I will however say this much: Ben and I (along with most of you all, I am sure) are breathing a sigh of relief that we are on the treatment path once more. It may not seem like a blessing to be this sick due to medication, but when faced with the darkness of no treatment options, well, it has been a very bleak and stressful few days. We are all glad to partaking in this life sustaining treatment once again.

Enough philosophical meanderings from me...I hope this finds you all well and able to say a prayer of gratitude this evening to whomever you pray.

Peace to all. Love to each. Goodnight.

Father's Day

2004-06-20T23:55:00.000-07:00

Good evening.

I had this very long post all ready to go today, in honor of Father's everywhere. However, after hours of waiting for this site to come back up and then one extra long nap, Father's Day seems to have passed by me.

So for now, I will just say...Happy (late) Father's Day to everyone out there, new and old alike. Someday soon I will post my thoughts on this subject, stay tuned.

Medical news...I have none. Will let you all know tomorrow after counts and clinic visit.

Ben and I are doing fine. Yes, Father's Day was hard for him, the one year mark of Sara's burial was hard for me...however, we made it. Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers of getting through this week and the upcoming days as we face some stressful choices and days of decisions.

It is late and I am not feeling much like myself so I am off to rest for the night. Longer post tomorrow.

Peace to all. Love to each.

Peace

2004-06-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

Good Evening Friends.

I know it has been a few days since my last post. I suppose I just needed time to figure out what it was that I was feeling. (There is no word for it for those of you wondering.) I ran the gamut of feelings this week, I do believe. Anger, sadness, pain, joy, peace, disbelief, laughter, understanding . . . all these and many more washed over me in recent days. Be warned that tonight’s post may not make complete sense as I am moving from one thought to the other quickly. Please just forgive me in advance.

Tonight finds me on another thought process, I think. Yes, my heart is breaking. Yes, I miss Sara more than anything. However tonight, on the eve of the “one year to the day” mark of her burial my heart is finding peace I didn’t know I had. Please, before you all think I have lost my mind, let me explain.

This morning, I was sleeping, a restful sleep, one of the few I seem to get anymore. Each morning, as I wake up, before I open my eyes, I find myself praying a prayer of gratitude to the Heavens for allowing me to be waking once more. This morning was no different. As I lay there with my eyes still closed, I took in a deep breath, only to instantly feel a sharp pain in that hidden place within my soul. Why? I smelled Sara or rather a scent that Sara wore each day. As my eyes flew open to search for the source, my heart jumped for a moment at the thought that perhaps she was with me. My head turned, my eyes locked upon a beautiful sight. Sitting less than 5 feet from me was Kerri, Sara’s best friend and our 4th daughter.

Her gorgeous smile returned my stare and as the tears began to flow freely from my eyes, she moved to grasp my hand, kiss my cheek, and whisper to me. Her whispers brought comfort to my soul, her touch soothed my heart, her being there made me remember how blessed we are. Yes, it was painful to see her due to memories of Sara and Kerri flooding back (I wouldn’t trade our visit today for anything!) and yes, it was very hard to take in the lingering scent of Victoria’s Secret Angel that the girls wore so often, but the memories that came back to me were not all bad nor were they all so painful that I couldn’t breathe through them. (Now I know this . . . earlier today? Another story! It all seemed painful then.)

Kerri and Sara were continually together from early childhood until Sara’s death. Last year, as Sara’s final days with us went by all too quickly, Kerri was right in there with us, rarely leaving Sara’s side. At any given time, you could find Kerri sitting next to Sara, perhaps reading to her from ÒHenry, singing to her, or perhaps just talking to her. One of my fondest memories of the girls from that time is the day I walked in and Kerri was in the bed with Sara, her arm wrapped around Sara, both girls fast asleep. As I stood in the doorway and watched that beautiful sight, I noticed that even asleep, the girls still were hand in hand, just as they had been most of their lives. Two beautiful young ladies who were more than just friends, they were soul mates, true “anam caras,” always taking care of each other. These are memories I treasure now and will forever hold dear to my heart.

This afternoon, after our lovely Kerri returned to the highway to continue her journey, I allowed myself a mini-meltdown. I cried over everything from missing Sara, to Kerri becoming a wonderful young woman, to knowing that my time here is short. I cried over the fact that for one slight moment it was almost as if Sara was sitting in the room with me. I cried over the fact that Kerri misses her just as much as we do and how any of us would do anything to have her back, even for a moment. You name it, and I cried over it this afternoon.

Somewhere, in the midst of all this, in stepped one of the beautiful people, who for whatever reason, seems to love me and has been one of my rocks this week, when I pretty much can’t be my own rock. She allowed me to cry, uttered her empathy, and then guided me to a happier place, one that I could recount happier memories of Sara’s life, not just her death. It was then I realized this fact . . . I am in mourning (Webster’s defines it as this: mourning-noun: the experience or expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died) and I will probably be in mourning for the rest of my life, no matter how long that may be. However, mourning does not rule my life. Yes, I will always have this deep sorrow and will always miss Sara, but at some point, I am going to be allowed, or rather allow myself to recall happier times without feeling guilty for doing so. Sara, as we all know, would not (and does not, I am sure) approve of my continued state of suspended living (i.e., mourning). Her last writing in her journal includes the following passage:

“My time may be over,
My memory may carry on,
My dreams may go unfulfilled,
My death is clear . . .
But my love for you is never-ending,
I will live on through your hearts.”

So tonight, for Sara, for this moment, I will allow myself to remember the good of her life. I will allow myself to recall a beautiful memory, not just the moment of her death. For tonight, I will find my peace, hold onto it, let Sara live on through my heart, and know how blessed we truly are.

Love to all.

Life Moves On

2004-06-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon.

I come here today with the intentions of just needing to vent and have the avenue to feel this pain as well as to recover from it. It’s not so much the pain of the day, but rather the realization that it really has been one full year. As I look back on the path this past year has taken us, I am amazed that we have made it thru it, much less made our way thru it without being eaten alive by the pain. Yet, despite ALL the odds, we made it.

When Sara died in my arms, I thought I would never feel any greater pain than I did at the very moment when I realized she was gone. I now know that pain, although intense and breathtaking, was nothing compared to the pain I would feel in the upcoming months as we began to live without her. The pain of being shopping, finding something she would love, grabbing my cell to call her, only to realize she wouldn’t be answering anymore. The pain of realizing I would be facing the battle of my life without her. The pain of knowing that every joyous occasion would always have the lingering thoughts of mourning because Sara wouldn’t be there to celebrate with us. The pain of realizing that Emily would never truly know Sara, only know of her through us. These realizations brought about more intense pain than the pain of losing her on that dreadful morning one year ago.

Now, one year later, life moves on. The sun still shines, the birds still chirp, national debt still continues. The fall leaves fell, the winter snow graced the ground, the spring daisies bloomed, and life moves on. The battle continues for my life, Ben’s struggle to let go and let God continues, Emily continues to grow, Shelly continues to strive, we all continue. Except for one of us . . . Sara. Or maybe? Just maybe? She continues as well. This is my thought.

She continues to live in all of us. She continues to live in our memories, our hearts, our thoughts, our smiles. She continues to live thru Little Miss Emily, thru Shelly’s laugh, thru Kerri's quest to live her dreams, thru Ben’s beautiful eyes as he remembers her. She lives on thru her Sigma Sisters, thru our hope for the future, thru our dreams for her, she lives on in our faith for a better tomorrow. Sara will never be forgotten, not in my heart, not in our family, not in her friends, not thru the strangers who still come to us and share with us how Sara changed their lives. Her legacy will be in our hearts, it will be our beacon in the darkness, it will be our saving grace. She was and always will remain, our baby, our reason for hope and joy, our connecting factor in this family. Her memory, gives us all the ability to move on now.

Her life was filled with laughter, joy, love, and peace for all. She always strived for compassion in all things, great and small. She found light in the night, hope in the hopeless, and faith in the faithless. She was and always will be...my hero, my reason for going on, my strength when I can continue on no longer.

It is said...

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and
We are never, ever the same.

It is with that thought that I leave you this afternoon. We, any of us that were touched by Sara’s contagious spirit, before or after her death, cannot and will not ever be the same. Life moves on...thank you, Sara.

My Forever Ladybug

2004-06-15T01:33:00.000-07:00

Good Evening/Morning Friends and Loved Ones.

Tonight, my post will be a bit different than most. Tonight, I would like to tell you about my baby because that is where my heart, my mind and my soul are right now. Last year, at this time, we were losing Sara. I say that due to the fact that she was literally dying in front of us. We were losing her and there was not a damned thing any of us could do about it. We had to stand back and watch her die or step forward and hand over to God and the Angels. We stepped up and handed her over to God. It is a decision that I wonder about daily. Perhaps if we had done it sooner, we would have saved her from pain. Perhaps if we had not done it at all, she would still be here?

These are both parts of the grieving process. They call it rationalizing. The “if I had” or “I should have” or “I could have,” those are the rationalizing thoughts we have. It is our way of making death acceptable in some form. It is our way of taking some part of the blame of death and making it ours. I have been at all of these steps and have currently moved past them (no promises that I won’t go back, but for now, I’m past that point). Right now, besides this intense pain of not having Sara here, now I have reached a point that I want to recall every moment with her, good and bad. It gives me a link to her, without it, I lose all connection to her since her death. If I choose to forget the bad, it is one more part of her that I lose.

Even in her death, good things came to our family. As she lay dying, we learned how to love fully, live deeply, cry in fear, rejoice in glory, and hold onto each other until we could hold on no longer. She taught us to be real, to love with every ounce of our souls, to face life without her. Sara’s death, although devastating to our family, taught us so many things. Her last few weeks were spent showing us to live and die with grace, courage, and beauty. I will treasure every moment spent with her in her 24 plus years, those last few weeks making the mark on the upcoming events in my life. She gave me the lessons I needed to face the path I am on now. Sara’s journey to death taught me how to die with hope and acceptance and love.

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her with every part of my being. Some days I miss her so much, it is difficult to breathe. Some days I miss her so much, I want to curl up and leave this world, just so I can be with her. Some days I need to hear her little giggle so much, my heart feels like it is breaking all over again. I would give my life to hold her one more time, to touch her soft face, to take in a deep breath of her wonderful scent. I would lay down my life to hear her say “MOM, WHATEVER!” once more, or to see those crystal blue eyes, those eyes that always had the ability to show me the wonders of the world, once more.

I will never forget those last few moments with Sara. I can’t forget, nor do I want to. Those last few days with her have come flooding back these last few weeks. Memories that I had forgotten, misplaced or just plain blocked out, have been at the front of my mind. I have never forgotten how much pain she was in those last few days, nor I have been able to forget the memories of her sleeping peacefully near the end. As I watched Sara make the transition from our arms to the arms that would hold for eternity, I knew that one day, I would understand. I knew one day, I would feel less pain than I did at that very moment. I have yet to reach either point. I have however, reached the point that I can smile when I hear her name or when I think of certain memories. I can now recall things from the past year without constantly breaking down into tears. (Not to say it doesn’t happen still, it does..on a fairly regular basis.)

I don’t claim to know why things happen. In truth, I am not sure I even really want to know. What I do know is this . . . I have been the luckiest mother in the world. I have been a mother to three wonderful girls, numerous adopted girls, and the wife to the most loving husband I could have asked for. I know I have blessed in the fact that for 24 short years I was given a beautiful gift to love and to hold and to cherish every moment of her life.

Tonight, as my heart breaks at the realization that Sara is really and truly gone, I would like to share with you the song that brought her peace in her final days. Perhaps I can find my own comfort in it somewhere, now, tonight.

“I Can Only Imagine”
I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by Your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When Your face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You
I can only imagine.
–Mercy Me

Storms, Golf, and Sleep (June 12th)

2004-06-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Friends.

The storms are rolling in here. Tornado sirens and hail warnings are all around us. It is days like these that I want to return to my bed, hide under the blankets, snuggle in with the cats, and sleep the day away. The sun has yet to rise here but my house is bustling even at this early hour (oh dark early to some of us!). Ben and Caroline have the Hospice Golf Tournament today, a continuation of yesterdays events. I know both are praying for the rain to hold off a bit, at least until they can get on the green.

Last night, was a long night for everyone here. Caroline ended up staying overnight in order for Ben to be able to get some peaceful sleep. He needs that ability to rest without having to get up and push medications while I sleep. It was good for him. During the night, I did manage to get about five hours of sleep. Early this morning, I began to have some added breathing issues. We quickly moved to raise my O2 and doing a full breathing treatment, both to no avail. Caroline ran to wake Ben while I struggled to catch a breath. When he got to me, it was almost over. As quickly as it began, it ended and I was allowed to rest once more. I rested until a bit ago when Ben woke me to take the third dose of Xeloda (only 18 more doses to go).

Late yesterday evening, after clinic, we ended up having to be taken via an ambulance over to have a ct. scan done. This was done to check for any new or potential bleeds after a headache came fast and hit hard suddenly. The good news is that no new bleeds or potential bleeds were spotted, so this is just a headache that will have to be dealt with by medication. It is most likely due to markers being centered on some nerve endings. They tell me it will hopefully lessen some with the start of the next round of radiation.

I am planning on sleeping today. I don’t feel as though I am ever rested anymore, perhaps a day of peaceful sleeping will allow my body to realize it is rested? With that, I will tell you all that I love you and that I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. On an added note, the anniversary of Sara’s passing, funeral and burial are quickly approaching. Many of you have asked how we are doing with it. I think, given all the circumstances, we are doing ok, with your support. There are moments, sometimes hours, that we both want to lay down, scream, kick, fight and not go a step further, but it is your love, prayers, and thoughts that keep us going. Thank you.

I leave you this morning with something that was sent to me by one of Sara’s sorority sisters. While Sara’s favorite color was blue and not green, this song fits her so well, I can’t help but share it here.

Peace to all. Love to each. Enjoy your weekend.

“Her Favorite Color Was Green”

Her favorite color was green.
That's about all that I know, Except she knew the Lord loved her -said her Bible told her so.
She swam in an ocean of laughter. She danced in a desert of grace.
The way she loved those around her was written all over her face.
I was there the morning she left us. I heard every tear that was shed.
I wanted to ask God the reason, but I asked him what now, instead.
What now God, would you have us say?
What now God, would you have us do?
Wasn't it clear she was faithful?
Wasn't that enough for you?
God said, how could you ask such a question?
Surely the answer is clear?
Do I have to paint you a picture?
Is it not enough I am here?
I said God, that's not what I meant!
But she was just too young to die!
God said I know what you mean - Remember I watched my son cry.
I said yes, but at least your boy is with you.
God said right, and now so is she.
I set her a place at my table and man, you should see that girl eat.
In fact, I wish you could see her smiling then you'd know she feels right at home.
She's been telling the angels about you, just so you won't feel alone.
Her favorite color was green.
That's my favorite too.
She's already sliding down rainbows,
and right between yellow and blue, and her favorite color is green.

Split Seconds (June 11th)

2004-06-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

Good Evening.

Remember when life seemed so much simpler? Not easy . . . just more cut and dry, I guess is what I meant. Remember when you first realized that death was a permanent happening? For one of my girls, it was when her cat died, that was her first experience with death. For weeks, she sat at the window waiting for that cat to come home, even after being told one hundred times that the cat went to Heaven. Finally one day, after the arrival of another cat, she stopped sitting at the window. For another one of my girls, it was the passing of her Grandmother that made her realize death was something she couldn’t change. She was calm and accepting and told us she knew Me-Maw wasn’t coming back. I suppose we all have those things that make it real to us, make it final in our hearts and our minds, make it permanent in our souls.

I suppose I could tell you that it became real to me many years ago. In reality, it did. However, that only applied to those who went before me. Now, as I face my own demise, I realize just how permanent death is. I realize now, how little we have control of on this great earth. I also realize how important those things we DO control are. Each of us have many moments in time we would give our lives to go back and change, moments we wish had never happened, moments we wish we could forget. Those moments are often the spilt second that have the most impact on our lives. Sometimes, it is when we lose someone and hear time of death being called. Sometimes, it is when we hear the words ‘accident’ or ‘divorce’ or ‘cancer’ or ‘bankruptcy’. Sometimes it is when you hear the phone ring at 3 in the morning, with that loud ring that shakes you to the core and makes you know someone you love is in danger and needs you.

Perhaps it is those split seconds that allow us to see how precious life really is or rather it is when we know that things will never go back to how they were is when we realize what we had before. So that is where I am tonight. Those split seconds are taking over, it seems. So my question to you all is, do those spilt seconds ever stop? It seems that in our family, they keep happening over and over again. This week, we have had many split seconds that all changed. Wait, I seem to have gotten off my first point, haven’t I? Death is permanent I do believe is where I was heading, eh? I think this week I have realized that fact, which I know sounds funny to everyone given the circumstances of the last few years.

Okay, so I know I have rambled on, and most of you are probably lost. I suppose I just needed to vent. I said all that to say this . . . embrace life while you can. Hug your loved ones, forgive the not so loved ones, make peace with your enemies, talk openly with those surrounding you before a split second comes along to change your life and you can’t turn back. These are my words of wisdom to you.

I close tonight with the following song lyrics which speak volumes in just a few simple words.

Peace to each. Love to all. Goodnight.

The Saddest Song I’ve Got
“Darling are you feeling
the same thing that I'm seeing?
The troubles of the day,
took my breath away.
Took my breath away.

Now you're no longer talking
And I'm no longing hearing
There's nothing left to say
Said it anyway
Said it anyway

And I want you not
I need you not
I'm dying 'cause this is the saddest song I've got
The saddest song I've got

Darling, are you healing
from all those scars appearing?
And don't it hurt a lot?
Don't know how to stop.
Don't know how it stops.

Now there's no sense in seeing
the colors of the morning.
Can't hold the clouds at bay
Chase them all away
Chase them all away

And I'm frozen still
Unspoken still
Hearts broken
Remembering something I forgot
Something I forgot”
—Annie Lennox, Bare

Scans (June 10th)

2004-06-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

(Due to a lapse in posting, this was from June 10th, 2004, evening)
Good evening friends.

This will be short and to the point. Scans were not what we hoped for and yet, there was some good news mixed in with the bad.

In short, there was some minor reduction in the abdominal region. We will begin Xeloda again on the 11th, nearly triple the first dose and continuing on it for the two-week session. Also, radiation will begin again sometime next week, complete cranial once more, but only for a limited number of days. Dialysis will continue as we are only on the 6th treatment (course was to run from 6-12 treatments.) Infusion chemotherapy will also continue although at this time we are unsure of the continuing protocol.

The bad news is that there is no significant reduction in the cranial region. There were several new “severe areas of interest” in the lung region. The lumbar puncture that was done on Tuesday showed numerous immature cells. The bone scan showed minimal new growth on the upper femur.

If, at the end of the two-week session, there is not at least a 15% change overall, we will be ending the treatment protocol as my body will be declared “unresponsive to the current chemotherapy protocol.” We are praying against all for this NOT to be what the final ruling is. There are no more protocols to be had. I will have virtually failed each treatment plan handed down by the NIH. Please join us in prayer against this being the news we hear.

So that’s about it . . . you know basically what we know. Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts. This too shall pass. We are still very blessed and realize this each day. Despite this news, we are coping, perhaps not well, but we are coping.

Following you will find the words to what has become our motto, both for Ben and I as well as close members of our family. I share them, hoping they will have as much impact on you, as they have had on us. To visit the songwriters site, please click DAVID M. BAILEY. A truly wonderful human and a very talented songwriter. Enjoy.

If I Had Another
"If I had another week, I'd take a flight down to Jamaica or catch a clipper off the coast of Maine.
I might even sail all the way across the ocean and buy some leather boots when I got to Spain. But then again, I might decide to take a train to California and find my way to the shade of the Big Trees.
Have a glass of wine, write a song among the pines, then head out to the sweet Pacific breeze - that is, if I had another week.
But if I had another day, I'd take a drive up to the mountains and have a picnic with my kids and with my wife.
I’d hike the hidden trails, tell a few tall tales about the crazy moments of my life.
But then again, I might decide to take a raft on down the river and pitch a tent upon the western shore.
Sing around the fire until we all got tired then talk about what we're here for- that is, if I had another day.
But if I had another hour, I'd make a pot of coffee then drink it nice and slow in my back yard. Watch the red sun set and try to just forget the fact that this life can be so hard.
But then again, I might decide to write a letter to my family and then write a few more to my friends.
I'd thank them for their love and say I loved them too and remind them that true love never ends - that is, if I had another hour.
But if I had another minute, I'd put my arms around my baby and I’d hold her like I'd never done before.
I'd tell her not to worry, I’d tell her I'd be waiting when her turn came to knock on heaven's door. But then again, I might decide to fall down on my knees and thank God for the life I’ve loved so dear.
I'd ask Him to send peace to each of us, as long as we are here - that’s if I had another minute. But if I had another second…"
-David M. Bailey

London Ducks, Bad Pokes, and Sappy Songs

2004-06-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

Good evening friends.

As promised, I am here and somewhat ready to type a logical post. Wait. This IS me we are talking about. Forget it being a logical post. So many things to talk about, I probably won’t cover them all tonight. However, there are several items I want to touch on, so grab a cool drink and read on.

First, we should cover the medical stuff as that is probably the main reason you are here. Yesterday, the day was long. To start off the morning we had a chemotherapy infusion (a push). After that along with a fluid boost, we were scheduled for a lumbar puncture. These not only hurt, they are an inconvenience as it requires a prolonged period of stillness after the procedure. However, it is over.

After a long night, we returned once more to the hospital for the scheduled scans this morning. We don’t have any results yet, but will have preliminary results tomorrow (Thursday) afternoon. Please pray (if you are the praying type) or send good thoughts (if you are the good thinker type) that all is just as we hope it to be. The results from tomorrow will determine how the next course of treatment will be done, if a course will be done at all, and the next steps to be taken. We will also get yet another time frame (I am beginning to hate them with a passion) as to how things are going. I will pass this along as we know it.

Now, onto many more exciting things. You all will remember a few weeks ago that I was (not so brutally) potentially attacked by an enraged duck. Since that time, I have discovered that this duck may have been visiting from London. How do I know this you ask? His quack had a distinct British accent. Am I losing my mind you say? No. Check out this duck story to see what I am talking about. (It was a maniacal laugh, I tell you.)

Let’s see what else. Oh yes, music. The following lyrics were sent to me a few days ago, I have since found the song, downloaded it and cried each time I have listened to it. Tonight, I am sharing the lyrics with you, in hopes that you will read the lyrics and take them truly to heart. I don’t know if I could have said them any better myself. Enjoy.

More tomorrow. Peace to all. Love to each. Goodnight.

He said I was in my early 40's with a lot of life before me
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, looking at the X-rays
And talking 'bout the options, and talking 'bout sweet time

I asked him when it sank in that this might really be the real end
How's it hit ya when you get the kind of news
Man, what'd ya do ?

I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
And he said someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

He said I was finally the husband that most of the time I wasn't
And I became a friend a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden goin' fishin wasn't such an imposition
And I went 3 times that year I lost my dad
Well I, I finally read the good book
And I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again
And then...

I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
And he said someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

Like tomorrow was a gift
And you got eternity to think about what you do with it
What should you do with it
What can I do with it
What would I do with it

I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
AND I WATCHED AN EAGLE AS IT WAS FLYIN'
And he said someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'
—“To Live Like You Were Dyin’” -Tim McGraw

update

2004-06-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

i am tired. that pretty much explains all. there will be a longer update in a few days. i will be away from home on tuesday evening. will update on wednesday after scans with all the details. don't worry, all is fine.

love to all. goodnight.

oh and i am sorry about the caps and errors. i am too tired to correct it. goodnight.

Lazy Sunday Afternoons

2004-06-06T23:53:00.000-07:00

Good evening.

This will be short as my headache is not much better. However, I didn’t want to let tonight pass without saying something.

First, thank you all for your words of encouragement. It means more to me than any of you will ever know. The knowledge that the prayers, thoughts, and well wishes are going out so. frequently, well, it is just touches my heart.

Second, I thought I better clarify about this week. On Wednesday, we have repeat scans (PET, bone, MRI, and an ultrasound). This is so we will have the results on Thursday afternoon, with hopefully, a second course of the Xeloda (new chemotherapy agent) beginning on Friday {if the scans hold the results we are hoping for}. Dialysis is NOT dependent on these scans and will begin again on Monday. On Tuesday, we will have the second infusion of chemotherapy.

That about wraps up the medical news.

Ben continues to do well. He did enjoy his golf outing today and is rather sunburned this evening. We are still coping moment to moment, the only way we know how to get thru right now.

We are blessed.

What else? Oh yes, I have some new found computer skills that I will be sharing in this and upcoming posts. (Shelly, please don’t faint from shock, but I learned this all on my own.) Who knew html codes could be so fun? Who knew that I would know what the heck an html code was!!!

A couple more thing to mention. So many times I have been acknowledged for my word database knowledge. I would just like to say that for the first time in a long time, I have been stumped. I did NOT know the winning word to this year's National Spelling Bee . . . I couldn’t even place the root of origin. Yes, I hang my head in shame . . . autochthonous was the word.

Peace to each. Love to all. Goodnight.

Rather than a current song of the day, I thought I would direct your attention to a website of an artist that I am quickly becoming a fan of. Her song, “Break Down Here” is a good song . . . but “Rain On A Tin Roof” is my favorite. Enjoy.

Horses, Presidents, and Ice Cream

2004-06-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

Good evening friends.

This will be a somewhat different post than usual. Pour a drink, put your feet up and spend some time with me this evening. I am sure I will surprise you.

Today marks the end of an era. As you all know, President Ronald Reagan passed away earlier today. It saddens me, his death. It saddens me that we have lost an American icon, one of the few presidents who cared more about citizens than policies. It saddens me that his wife, family, and loved ones are grieving this evening and will forever be changed from this day out.

What doesn’t sadden me? The fact that the media has taken this to the top level of importance. Yes, it is important to me. Yes, I believe his passing deserves this country’s respect. What I don’t believe in is the media barging in on his remaining family and making such a private affair public matter. I understand the need for his body to lay in state at the Rotunda (at least, I think I understand it) because it is “tradition.” What I don’t understand is this underlying need the media has to share his private burial with us. Can’t this family, a family that has always had to be in the spotlight, can’t they just have one moment to be able to grieve in private without the cameras flashing? Don’t they deserve that? I think they do . . . so I will step off my soapbox now and simply say this . . .

“We will never forget you, nor the last time we saw you, this morning, as you prepared for your journey and waved good-bye and slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God.” -Reagan speech, Challenger Tragedy, 1986

Godspeed Mr. President, Godspeed.

On other news, for the past five weeks, I have been following the race for the Triple Crown. I must admit, I am a bit disappointed in our pal Smarty Jones, but I believe that little colt gave it all he had and who can ask for more? Perhaps I have a special fondness for this little horse, not so much for his abilities, but for his owners, the Chapmans’ from Someday Farms. Roy Chapman, a man in his greater years, has a very limited lifespan left here. All of his retired life, he has been involved in the horse circuit, never having any big winners and having many personal tragedies. Now, as his sunset grows closer, he is now one of the lucky few to have a double winner, one of America’s most recognized horses (along with the money to go with it).

Today, after a close race, Smarty Jones lost to Birdstone (side note: His owner has Stage II Breast Cancer. I don’t really know why that is important to the story, but it just sticks out to me, more so, I suppose), the Chapmans’ had a few words for the media . . . how proud they were, that they still had a great horse, congrats to Birdstone and so on and so forth. Roy Chapmans’ closing words to the media? “I can die a happy man. Life has been good to me.”

This is a man who is gasping for each breath, who was hospitalized the night before the Preakness and demanded to be released against medical advice in time for the race. This is a true example of knowing your blessings and finding your happiness. I would say that the big winner isn’t a four legged creature today . . . I think it is Mr. Chapman. Congratulations to all on races well run.

The day has been a lazy day of sorts, I suppose. We had no clinic or treatment visits, so I have been able to stay here at the house all day, which is nice and much needed. However, that doesn’t mean I was able to escape the daily routine. We still had it and a few other added bonuses. This afternoon I had a massage by ‘Helga the horrible’ (name changed to protect the guilty). I managed to last thirty-five minutes before I felt nauseous enough that we were allowed to stop that form of torture and begin another.

Caroline took over the role of respiratory therapist today, a job normally reserved for Ben. After a tough round of percussion (beating the chest walls in order to break up masses of fluids) we decided it was time for a breathing treatment. During that time the men from Apria (oxygen suppliers) came to switch out equipment which required stopping the treatment for a moment. When all that was finished, we moved onto a short session of physical therapy. I say short because after seven minutes, we both called it quits. Too many tears today.

Next came nap time, several in fact. (At some point, I watched the Belmont, but I couldn’t tell you when). Due to an electronic malfunction, my bed was being replaced today and late this evening, the replacement was delivered. I have not been in it yet, but it looks like it might be comfortable and probably have a hell of a lot less chance of catching fire than the last one. The cats seem to think it is comfortable. Both are stretched out on opposite ends, snoozing soundly. As long as they are happy . . .

My headache continues tonight along with the muscle aches that come along with the red devil. The fever is down somewhat and the Zofran is doing the job well. The pain level is higher than normal but is still easily controlled with the aid of medication. I haven’t eaten yet today, but did manage to drink an entire bottle of Yoo-Hoo (my current kick). I think ice cream may be in my future this evening. (Update: during the course of this writing, I did eat some ice cream, in the flavor of “Good Heavens”)

If the rain holds off, Ben is still planning on golfing tomorrow. He is doing well today, staying busy with outside projects, at dark working on inside jobs and watching a ball game with Andy (Red Sox vs. Royals). We are both coping moment to moment and holding onto everything we can at this point.

We are blessed.

Tonight, I do find myself emotionally lower than normal. Perhaps it is due to this week taking a toll on me, or perhaps it is because we are entering a time period I have no choice but to remember. Last year at this time, we knew Sara was slipping from us, but I felt it more than I ever had before. The days leading up to her death were heart wrenching on all of us, perhaps on me more so, just because I was the one who never left her side. Everyone else had things to take care of, but I was the one who never left her side. I was the one who sat and listened to her breathing patterns, the one who wiped her head when the night-sweats came with force, the one who held her as the fear of death terrorized her. I was the one to feel her slip from my grasp.

Now, I am on the other side of the bed . . . now, I think I know how she felt and my heart breaks for her. I know now that there were many things that must have gone through her head that she couldn’t share with me, because I have those same thoughts that I can’t share with anyone either. My heart breaks for her, because I know how alone she must have felt, even with all of us, because I feel that way as well now...surrounded by people who love me, yet walking alone.

I miss her. I know that seems so simple...three little words...I miss her. It’s more than that. I miss her with every breath I take, every sunset, every wildflower I see, I miss her that much more. This month, is no different in any other month in the amount that I miss her. Perhaps it is just the memories of last years month of June that make this magnitude of pain feel so intense.

I said all that to say this...don’t be afraid to say her name. Don’t be afraid to tell me that you are hurting as much as I am. Don’t be afraid to tell me how unfair life is right now. Don’t be afraid to tell me you don’t understand how I feel. Don’t be afraid to talk to me about other things. It really does help make to make me feel like I am not entirely alone in my pain.
That’s about it...that wraps up my thoughts, I suppose. I must say thank you to a few people, but I will save that for tomorrow night. Until then...I leave you with lyrics to a song that says so much right now...

Peace be with you. Love to all. Goodnight.

“Somewhere out there,
Beneath the pale moonlight,
Someone's thinking of me,
And loving me tonight.

Somewhere out there,
Someone's saying a prayer,
That we'll find one another,
In that big somewhere out there.

And even though I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star,
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky!

Somewhere out there,
If love can see us through,
Then we'll be together,
Somewhere out there,
Out where dreams
Come true...”
-Somewhere Out There

Rainbows, Zofran, and Love

2004-06-04T23:32:00.000-07:00

Good evening friends.

This has been a very long week. Perhaps it is only I? Weeks that begin with a holiday always seem to drag longer, I guess. Not to mention I have not been correct on what day it is yet this week (I am still convinced it is Thursday). Possibly this next week I will get it all straight again.

Today held a long day for myself as well as for Ben. Yesterday also was a long day. Let’s begin with today. This morning was my last radiation treatment until after we have the next scans (Wednesday, June 9th ). Then we headed over to the dialysis center for my last treatment of the week. Once that was completed, we rushed over to the infusion clinic to get an antibiotic infusion and push fluids. After that it was home sweet home, after a quick stop at Wal-Mart so Ben could go in and fight the crowds while I napped in the car. I came home and promptly fell asleep on the couch. I haven’t moved from the couch since. I can only say, thank God and GlaxoSmith Kline for Zofran.

Yesterday was a long day as well. It was time for the long infusion of the chemotherapy we all know and hate. This normally takes about seven hours. Yesterday it took nine hours due to some complications that were out of my control (blood pressure fell quickly resulting in some nausea, etc.). That was after the radiation treatment. We got home late in the evening and I had another nap. Somewhere in all that I managed to eat some soup and drink something. Due to a headache I was awake for a majority of the evening.

Today, all things considered, is better.

We are blessed.

Let me think, on other news . . . I am truly looking forward to a weekend with no clinic visits, no flying duck encounters, and nothing to do other than rest. I have many e-mail messages to respond to, many calls to make (yes, Kay, I PROMISE you will be one of them), and would like to watch a movie at some point.

Ben continues to do well. We are just trying to take each day at a time and enjoy the moment, rather than wondering what the next moment will bring. This way of thinking is working so far for both of us. Perhaps it is denial, or perhaps it is living in the reality that each moment is precious because truthfully, we don’t know how many more moments we will be blessed with. Either way, this way of thinking is our coping method and is working to get us through a particularly hard patch.

Currently Ben is outside on the property chasing an escaped liger (a combination tiger/lion) with the liger’s owner and an off duty conservation agent. (Update, in the course of typing this, the liger has been captured . . . who knew you could lure a 600-pound liger with popcorn? Good knowledge to have in case of any liger encounters, I suppose!) Wonders never cease. He and Andy have a golf date on Sunday in preparation for the Hospice Tournament on Friday, June 11th. It will be good for him to get out and be able to take part in an activity he enjoys while raising money for an organization that has impacted our lives so much.

Let’s see what else . . . oh yes, while I haven’t had the chance to play any games in the past few days, I am pleased to announce that I have now been placed in 2nd place on two of the games and still the 1st place holder on the other two games. I must say good job to both girls who worked very hard to beat my scores. They have proven once again that they both have great determination, Job well done, Boo-Boo and Devil Child.

Well, this is turning out to be quite the long post! Guess it makes up for my two-day lapse. I pray you are all doing well and are enjoying the spring weather, wherever you maybe. Take some time to hug a loved one today, time to breathe, and time to just enjoy life, however it is thrown at you.

I leave you tonight with the lyrics of a song that has special meaning for our family (Shelly, we found it in the dining room, thank you, you were right . . . and yes, the tears did flow). Last year on this date, I found myself sitting upstairs on the floor of Sara’s room with Shelly and singing this song with Sara. It meant so much for her to hear the words, feel the meaning, know the truths. It is a moment in time that is forever locked into my memory and will be forever treasured . . . Enjoy

Peace be with you all. Love to each. Goodnight.

“Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told, and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see
Someday we'll find it, the Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me
All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors
I know it's one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore itIt's something that I'm s'posed to be
Someday we'll find it, the Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.”
-The Rainbow Connection

Another day, for lack of a better title.

2004-06-04T00:04:00.000-07:00

Good evening. I know this is two days past due and I apologize. I would tell you that I promise to update tomorrow, but the chances are good that I won’t. So, I thought tonight I would bring you a brief update from our corner of the world.

Ben is doing as well as he can be.

I am doing as well as I can be. We are very blessed.

No duck encounters.

I will update again when I can, a long one, I promise.

Peace to all. Love to each. Goodnight.

(I did warn it would be brief.)

The Reveal

2004-06-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

Okay...so I know I promised a more detailed update tonight, but I just don't have it in me. For now, I will be brief and let you know what is going on here.

First of all, I am happy to report that the day held NO DUCK ENCOUNTERS! This is a good thing as my poor heart couldn't take more ducking fowl(every pun intended).

My first day back in the medical world was fairly calm. The headache is a bit more intense this evening and still lingers close, but we expected it and are prepared to handle it. We are blessed.

Now, for what most of you have been waiting for....THE BIG REVEAL!!! As I have mentioned, I have a current brilliant plan. (Note: a potential for disaster ALWAYS is around when I have a "brilliant plan"). My current brilliant plan has been revealed this afternoon...in the form of a new Dell notebook. Yup, I, electronically challenged Shar, ordered herself a mighty fine, fancy-shmancy, PRETTY computer. (It's a blue shiny little thing that just keeps tempting me with its large LCD screen.) ON HER OWN!!! I must admit, there is some underlying pride in that statement. So, that's my big news. I promise to post the rest of the story later, but for now, that should keep you in shock for a bit.

No lyrics tonight. No quotes. Just my love. Peace be with you all. Goodnight.

FOWL PLAY

2004-05-31T22:14:00.000-07:00

So . . . today is Memorial Day. A day historically celebrated for remembrance and bbq’s (hey, I didn’t make that one up!). Most of you honored the day by perhaps taking a dip in your pool (it is the unofficial start of summer, you know), grilling, or perhaps just relaxing today.

What did I do?

Battled a disgruntled duck.

Please.

Keep your laughter to a dull roar and let me explain.

This morning, in the wee hours of the daylight, when most should be in sweet slumbers, our house was bustling with activity. We had a minor medical issue arise that required a visit to our local urgent care. Off we went to see the fine folks at the West Campus. It seemed that everyone else in the local 4-states, decided the same thing. It was a hub-bub of busy people. Due to a traffic jam at the entrance, Ben and I decided that it would be best if he dropped me a few feet from the door and then run to park the vehicle and run back for me. Sounds simple, right?

Wrong.

I stepped out of the car, closed the door behind me, and looked up only to realize that a very angry, quacking water fowl flying . . . oh yes, you guessed it. Right at me. I didn’t know what to do. Step left? I fall off the sidewalk. Step right? I fall over a concrete barrier. Yell DUCK and have everyone wonder if I was losing my mind? No. I just stand still. Then I decided (duck still aiming at my head) this is not a wise plan. So I step slightly forward . . . AT THE EXACT TIME . . . the duck decides he doesn’t want to run into me and flies slightly to the left . . . again . . . in the SAME direction as where I was going. The terms “screw a duck” comes to mind here. A kind nurse saved me from the disgruntled duck.

When Ben arrived . . . I explained it to him. He made the comment that perhaps I needed to have my head examined. (Okay, so I admit, not a lot of people have low flying ducks aiming at them.) Long story short? As we left the hospital hours later . . . SAME SAID DUCK aims at Ben’s head. HA! Teach you to think I’m nuts.
So, lets see . . . I live in the town with angry ducks. We have cleared this small matter up between myself and the duck. I will no longer enter the hospital via his door and he will no longer dive bomb my head. It is a fair trade.

On other news, small medical issue is taken care of for the most part and all is status quo again. My medical week starts again in the morning, please keep me in your thoughts as we enter the last week of treatment and the second week of dialysis.

Oh yes, one more piece of information...I learned this evening that playing the world TRIAXIAL on a 3 word score spot will earn you a total of 77 points. Accrues played on a 2 word score with all 7 letters will earn you a total of 47 points. Which...if you play your cards right will earn you a grand total of 305 points, once again, declaring you a champion word maker in Literati.

Okay, so that is about it. Tomorrow...a more detailed update. Until then, I love you all. Peace be with you and goodnight.

Evening Murmurs

2004-05-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

Okay . . . so here I am. You are probably expecting some sort of profound statement, perhaps some great words of wisdom. I’m sorry . . . tonight you may be disappointed. Tonight, all I can offer is a hurting mom with a ceramic duck. Oh, wait, I do have some advice. Never, I repeat, never decide that a bottle of Sprite (NO MATTER HOW FLAT) needs to be shaken. Just trust me on this one.

Let me think what else . . . all else is pretty much status quo here. Ben is going to head to a grill out tomorrow. He seems excited about it. I will be here alone as we have given Caroline the next couple of days off. Before you all start to worry, Ben will be less than 20 minutes away. Also, he and Andy will be coming back here for a bit to hit the golf course. They have decided to play in the Hospice Golf Tournament on June 11th, so I am sure they will want to get all the practice in they can. The rain is supposed to hold off for a few days, but this is a good thing. I am beginning to think I need an ark. I swear a few days ago I saw a floating duck (NO, it was not the ceramic duck) by my window. This past Friday, the tornados were so close, I kept watching out for the spinning cow.

Now, my health . . . which is why most of you are here, I am sure. Health is the same, I suppose. I did take a tumble last night (don’t panic, I’m fine) and am a little sore from that. The headache lingers . . . but it is tolerable. We are blessed.

Now, for some of you, you know my current brilliant plan. I need to give an update and let you know that things are still set for Tuesday for the major and Wednesday for the minor. For those of you not knowing what is the current brilliant plan, stay tuned to your computer screens, it will be revealed shortly.

Let’s see . . . OH YES!!! The other night, I mentioned a current challenge between myself and Pam (Yoda). I am happy to report that I now have my status back on all four games. I have successfully made my scores high enough that I hope to be the top scorer for a few days at least. As someone said not so long ago . . . THE GAME IS ON!

In other news, those of you that knew Donna was gone, your prayers are appreciated, she has returned home safe and sound, much to my relief. Those of you that have continually heard me whine that she is gone, can rest easy that she is home.

I leave you with a quote tonight, no lyrics, just a quote to ponder:

"If you listen,Not to the pages or preachers
But to the smallest flower
Growing from a crack
In your heart,
You will hear a great song
Moving across a wide ocean
Whose water is the music
Connecting all the islands
Of the universe together..."
John Squadra

Love to all....Goodnight.

What's in your wallet...err, bag?

2004-05-29T23:33:00.000-07:00

Greetings loved ones. Tonight, I am tired and not alert enough to type a lengthy entry. However, this afternoon, I took some time to clean out my favorite websites (for those of you keeping track, that also has to do with my current brilliant plan) and I came upon one that listed everything you had in your purse, wallet, bag, etc. Tonight, rather than boring you with details of life here, I thought I might share with you the contents of my “purse.” Hope it gives you a laugh, it gave me a clean bag....minus the ceramic duck, of course.

Stuff in my bag:
1 pack of anti-bacterial hand wipes
1 bottle of Purell hand sanitizer
1 tube Estee Lauder hand lotion
1 drill bit - Made in China
1 tube foundation/cover up
1 tube Burt's Beeswax Lip Balm
1 bottle of Excedrin Tension Headache
1 book stamps
1-16 month planner
1 Cell Phone
2 Check Books
1 pack Phisoderm swabs
1 Wal-Mart Receipt
1 Factory Card Outlet Receipt
1 Post Office Receipt
1 Sam's Club Receipt
1 pair Sunglasses
1 Contact Solution
1 empty contact case
1 tin of Cinnamon Altoids
1 Sharpie
1 Surgical Mask
1 Set of Keys
2 packs of tissue
2 packs Oxi-clean Wipes
1 set Nail Clippers
3 Full Syringes
16 Alcohol Pads
1 pair Silver Earrings
1 CD without Case
$1.39 in loose Change
2 Hemo Caps
The Dog Tag (For Lucky)
A Worry Stone
1 AAA Battery
1 Thermometer
1 Small ceramic Duck
4 Coupons Coke, Subway, Borders and one for a store that no longer exists
1 Pink ribbon
1 Pink Pin
1 Empty Syringe
4 international Custom Postal forms
1 Medical Alert Bracelet

Wallet Contains:
$4.08 loose change
$87 real dollars
1 subway receipt
1 Arby's receipt
7 Babes Receipt's (seems Sprite is the main item)
1 Subway Sticker
1 subway card which the sticker above attached
1 Vitamin Business Card
2 Insurance Cards
1 Eye Care Club Card
1 Full Coffee card from Dikio's
1 pack of oil absorbing sheets
1 Hallmark Gold Crown Card
1 Puppy Breeder Card
1 Wal-Mart Gift Card ($150) all Used
1 Target gift Car $50 unused
1 Victoria’s Secret Gift Card Denomination Unknown
1 Borders gift Card $100
2 Free Bread Cards (Panera)
1 Appointment Card
3 Gas Credit Cards
3 Health insurance Cards
2 Drivers Licenses
1 Hospital ID Badge
2 Phone Cards
4 Credit Cards
3 Charge Cards
1 packet assorted Pictures
4 Pictures that have no Home

More tomorrow...love to all and goodnight.

First Day

2004-05-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

Okay...so Shelly (ahem, thanks Punkin') thinks this would be a good form of venting for me as well as a good way for all of you to catch up on life, without me having to tell each of you a hundred times a day. Sounds good so far, right? Except, that we are forgetting who is actually behind these keystrokes! It is I...electronically challenged Sharbeans. Okay, okay, so between everyone, I am sure we can fix whatever I mess up, so here goes.

For those of you following the big countdown....this is Day THREE of dialysis, Day NINE of Xeloda, and Day 6 of radiation. We are over the halfway bump on all but the dialysis and everything is going as expected. Please keep up the good thoughts and many prayers, I know Ben and I both thank you for it. I am not sure either one of us could do this without the outpouring of love and support you all have shown us in so many ways.

Today finds me not feeling well. Big shocker there, I know...but this time, it's not just healthwise. Today, even my inner heart hurts. I guess this is one of those days that is a "woe is me day" because I am remembering all sorts of things from the past year. I suppose I had blocked them out until now, but today, most of them are coming thru full force. Sigh. I think today I have cried more for what should have been, rather than what is. (bear with me, I am just a sap).

Let's see, on to better subjects. Pam (Yoda to most of you) and I have been battling back and forth for the winning slot on a select number of yahoo games. I thought I might give the update that this evening, I am no long the top score holder on all four games. Yes, it's true, I have been beat. Not to worry, I have faith that I am going to take over the winning hand again this weekend!

Speaking of the weekend, I am sure most of you have plans by now. I suppose that I should at least acknowledge it, but no, I don't want to. Not yet. I think that Ben may go to a grill party on Monday. Other than that, we also have no plans. I am not sure either of us really are in the mood. (Tessa, if you happen to read this, Denver called and told Ben what you did....thank you. It means more to me than you will ever know that you even thought of it, much less did it. Thank you, please send Ben the bill.)

I think, that perhaps since I am SO FAR BEHIND on e-mail, I may use this spot as my own personal thank you list, as needed. So here goes...Tessa, also, I need to say thank you for taking care of Mercury all these months. I know he has found a new home in your heart and I can't thank you enough. Kay, towels are here...thank you, you never fail to amaze me (Sophie, he hasn't stopped playing with that since I opened it, you hit it on the head, thank you!). Shelly, they are still not here, but Dad showed me the site, she is a living doll. Also, thanks for setting this page up, even with my grumbling, I think it is a neat idea. Pam-u-la (lol), I don't know what to say...other than I love you. You know the rest.

So that about wraps it up...OH YES!!! For those of you keeping up with my current brilliant plan, it's STILL not here and won't be until at least Tuesday. Trust me, being calm is not my strong suit....it's going to be a looooong weekend.

One more thing...Donna....come home soon (okay, not a thank you, but damn, I miss you.)

Love you all.

Current lyrics of the moment:
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow, why then oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly, beyond the rainbow,
Why oh why can't I?